Consciousness, Literature and the Arts

Archive

Volume 11 Number 1, April 2010

___________________________________________________________________

Rejected

In Nine Scenes

By

Michael Grosso

Characters

Claude or Everyguy

Angelo, his guardian angel

Nine Women, played (perhaps) by one Woman

Place & Time, Now in Charlottesville, USA

Prologue

Angelo

Some people have a hard time learning --

Take the sad case of Claude or Everyguy.

Watch him get rejected in nine scenes,

Each ending with the same goodbye!

I would if I could help the guy out --

I should say I am his guardian angel --

Friend, inner helper, genius, ally.

I’ve tried to post advice as best I could,

But the fellow has a head of wood,

And to tell the truth, I doubt I can

Help this foolish stubborn man.

Life and love are too chaotic

To predict, like a nervous tic --

Ho!  Here comes Claude – about to meet a lady –

Watch how he puts his foot into it -- 

Is he unlucky or just a screw-up?

Scene 1 

The Smile

Claude, thirties, not sharply dressed, slow in manner, look of being coiled up, and a Woman, same age bracket, but spiffily attired, jaunty, pretty in a common way. The two people, strangers to each other, cross paths on a city street.  Just as they pass the Woman looks at the man and smiles at him.  This prompts the man to stop in his tracks, and without smiling, looks at the Woman.

Claude

You smiled?

Woman

(Pauses, glances at him, says nothing.)

Claude

You did smile?

Woman

Uh . . .(perplexed) yes, I smiled (she smiles again).

Claude

Oh, I thought you’d deny it.

Woman

Deny it?  Why would I deny it?

Claude

I don’t mean deny --  maybe not own up to?

Woman

Own up?  Did I do something wrong?

Claude (reaches toward her reassuringly.)

Oh, no, no, no – nothing wrong!

Woman

I’m relieved.

Claude

You admit then . . . you did smile at me?

Woman

I did smile at you (starts to walk away)

Claude

Please!  Wait!  I don’t mean to annoy.  Help me out!

Woman

(Pausing, looks at Claude who borders on handsome, her face showing signs of amusement)

Well, how may I help you?

Claude

(Taken aback at the bluntness of the question, stares with some surprise at the Woman, remains tongue-tied for several seconds, then blurts out)

Why? (emphatically)

Woman

Why what? 

Claude

Why smile at me?

Woman

Why? I don’t know!  Do I have to give a reason?  I don’t know why I do half the things I do.  I just do them!

Claude

You just do them?  You go through life without knowing why?  Is that how you live? 

Woman

I don’t know whether to laugh at you or call the cops!

Claude

Did you smile at everybody you saw today?

Woman

What kind of a questi. . .

Claude

I’m trying to find out something.  Do you smile at everybody you pass in the street? 

Woman

Of course not!  What a question!  You think I’m a robot?

Claude

No, no, not at all – not a robot.  But I want to know, I need to know . . .

Woman (assuming an exaggerated pose of impatience)

Well, out with it – I’m dying to find out.

Claude (stares at Woman and says nothing)

Woman

Hurry up, please, I don’t have all day!

Claude

Well, if you don’t smile at everybody, it proves my point.  It proves I’m not crazy.  Get what I mean?

Woman

No!  I don’t get it at all!

Claude

Simple.  (Looks very satisfied.)  You’re not programmed to smile all the time at everybody – so when you smiled at me – you smiled at me.

Woman

Yes, true, and so . . .

Claude

You selected me, aimed your smile at me.  Thousands of people you don’t smile at.   Gotta be a reason you smiled at me!

Woman

And so?

Claude

And so  -- what was the reason?  

Woman (looking dumbfounded and shaking her head)

Why did I smile – at you?  You wanna know? 

Claude

I do.

Woman

I have to go! (starts to walk away, lowers her head, looks annoyed)

Claude

Please don’t! (pause) Don’t you see?  Can’t you feel?  The mystery?  The human smile – so intimate – the look in your eye . . . stopped me – it penetrated me.   Eye to eye, soul to soul, the glance, the searching eye – so I had to ask, Why me?

Woman

Oh, that’s sweet, that’s nice . . . that’s very nice . . . but you see . . .there are many reasons why I, why anyone, might smile at a stranger.  Me, oh me, it could be anything.  I smile at old women, because I admire them, because I love their dignity, because . . . well, there are many reasons – I smile at children – I smile at people with little dogs – I smile at someone who seems on the verge of smiling at me. . .(slowly, more thoughtfully) so you see, there are all sorts of reasons.   Take it as it comes, like nice weather.

Claude

Good advice, Miss, very good.  I’ll remember what you said.  When it rains I’ll think of your smile.

Woman (lowering her head, Claude gazing at her)

I really do have to leave.  It’s getting late.

Claude

Before you go, Miss – just one more thing -- you explained about the old ladies and the folks with little dogs – but not about me.  You still haven’t said why you smiled at me.  Answer me and I’ll say goodbye – I’m just a curious man – is it asking too much?  If . . . if I could know (pause) . . . it would make my day.

Woman

Why make so much out of so little?

Claude

It’s how I make life interesting.

Woman

Thoughts you weave about my smiling at you (incredulous)?  Get a life, mister! (Pause.)

Why did I smile at you? Do you really want to know?

Claude

I really do . . .

Woman

Then I’ll tell you – I did associate you with . . . something.  

Claude (quickly)

So there was a reason you smiled at me.  It wasn’t just a fluke – it had meaning!

Woman

It did have meaning.

Claude

So!  (pleased with himself) Was I right or was I right?

Woman

You were right about one thing.  There was a reason I smiled at you.  But it wasn’t what you imagined.   Sure you want to know?

Claude

Sure I’m sure (smile vanishing).

Woman

The meaning of my smile . . . was this. . .

Claude (affecting a brave pose)

Maybe you should stop!  I’ll fill in the rest!

Woman

You asked me why, now I’m telling.  Is that okay?

Claude

Sure it’ okay. Why shouldn’t it be okay? 

Woman

You never can tell!  But if you want, I’ll tell you.

Claude

Like I said, it makes life interesting.

Woman

I hope this makes your life interesting. When I glanced up – and looked at you -- you reminded me of my last boyfriend. 

Claude (face lights up)

I knew it! 

Woman

Hold on!

Claude (animated)

Your smile did have meaning!

Woman

Will you let me finish?

Claude

There’s more?

Woman

Yes, there’s more.  Then I have to leave.  I absolutely must leave.

Claude

Okay.

Woman

Very good.  My last boyfriend.  You did -- you reminded me of him.  You had a sad, slumped-over look that reminded me of him -- the look of a downbeat, a deadbeat.

Claude (face drops, mouth open)

Oh . . .

Woman

You did remind me of him – and you reminded me of how happy I was – to be rid of him! 

Claude (totally changed expression)

I did?

Woman

You did.  That’s why I smiled -- the happiness of knowing I’d never have to look at the creep again.  So now you know.  Have a nice day. (Exits jauntily; he lingers, droops, stares into space.)

Lights down . . . and up

Scene 2

The Dinner

Claude and Elena sitting at a table in a restaurant. Elena has a hungry, predatory look. Plates picked clean.  Two wine glasses almost empty. 

Claude (smiling optimistically)

Well, Elena – I liked the food.  This should cover it (leaves money).  And you?

Elena (looking out the window, then at her wrist watch) Me?  What?

Claude

The food.

Elena (looking up) 

It was fine.  I think my watch is slow.  What time is it?

Claude (looks at his hands)

Oops!  No watch – sorry. 

Elena

Well, you’re no help (slight edge).

Claude

Sorry (pause). I hope dinner was okay.

Elena

I said so before.  A little cold, the meat was tough . . .

Claude

And I hope what I said was helpful (peers up at her impassive face).

Elena (shakes her head, annoyed)  Oh, I don’t know.  What you said.  Don’t let it get me down.   Don’t rush to make a decision.  I knew all that.  But I appreciate your time.

Claude

Oh, I have time.

Elena

I don’t, Claude (smiling with indifference)  

Claude

You could make money with your rare stamps.

Elena

I could?  Really? 

Claude

Time, takes time to learn the ropes.   The Bolivian stamps might be worth a lot.  Check it out!  Research -- I can help you! 

Elena (pause)

Well, Claude, it’s getting late.

Claude

(Surprised, disappointed) Late?

Elena

Yes, late!

Claude

It’s not late.  Look!  You didn’t finish your drink! The night is  young – it’s . . . it’s . . . early.

Elena(amused)

I guess it is.

Claude

Well, then?

Elena

I have plans . . . (looks at watch again)  . . .

Claude

You hardly asked about the really rare stamps. 

Elena

You told me all I need to know.

Claude

You mean about your three 1920 Bolivean stamps?    

Elena

Yes, that was it, Claude – and I thank you.

Claude

Bolivean stamps?  That was it?   You wanted to know about Bolivean stamps?

Elena (peers sharply at him)

But Claude -- you were very helpful!

Claude

I was?  I can’t remember what I said.  Tell me what I said.

Elena

Does it matter?

Claude

I’d like to know. (Still ruminating.)  Stamps?  Your only reason for coming out to dinner with me?

Elena

Why Claude!  Bolivean stamps are a big thing!

Claude (incredulous) If they are, I have an idea. 

Elena

What are you talking about?

Claude

If you mean what you said – do you?

Elena

I’m losing you.

Claude

If Bolivean stamps are a big thing (pauses) . . . I know a place we can go for dessert.

Elena (smiling)

I’m sure you do!

Claude

This place (excited) . . . the peach flan and the best Puerto Rican coffee. . .

Elena

Claude (matter of fact).  I have to leave.  No kidding.  I have an appointment (looks at watch) – just about . . .

Claude (forced smile)

Oh, sorry. . . I . . .  I thought . . .

Elena (still fiddling with her not fully drained wineglass)

I really do have to go somewhere.

Claude

Sure, but I thought . . . I thought having dinner meant an evening.  Was that weird?

Elena

Ha! An evening! You expected an evening?

Claude (bashfully)

You know what I mean . . . a little time together.

Elena (smirking a little)

What else did you expect, Claude?

Claude

Expect?

Elena

Hoped would happen.

Claude

Nothing. You make it sound like . . .   

Elena (smirking some more and twisting her torso coyly)

Sounds like you did!

Claude

Did what?  What did I do?

Elena

You had a plan. What were you thinking?   Hoping for a home run?

Claude

Home run? (incredulous) That’s your thought. I was thinking about first base.

Elena (accusingly)

So you did have intentions –.

Claude

No!  No! Elena!

Elena

You just said so, Clive!

Claude

Claude! Claude!

Elena

Claude!  Yu expected an evening!  

Claude

What I meant . . . if we had dinner . . . the time right after dinner . . . would be open . . .

Elena

Open?

Claude

Yes, I didn’t think you’d be racing away after the last mouthful . . .

Elena

Am I racing?  All I said: I have an appointment . . . I’m not racing . . .(defensive)

Claude (indignant)

You had an appointment with me!

Elena

I did.  It’s over now. 

Claude

Looks that way (digusted).  

Elena

We had a nice meal.

Claude

That’s all the time you can spare? (slight whine)

Elena

I said it was a nice meal.  I thank you for the information about Bolivean stamps (gradually raising her voice).  Now I have to leave – in fact, I’m already late.

Claude (sarcastically)

I apologize for your delay!

Elena (snaps)

Well, I’ll be – he’s mad!

Claude

I’m not mad! (raises his voice)

Elena

You raised your voice!  That proves you’re mad.

Claude

You’re making me mad!

Elena

Sorry, Claude.  (Gets up from table.)  So very sorry! (angrily) You shouldn’t expect too much from people.  You know, people are people.  People have a right to do what they want to do.  You should understand! 

Claude

I understand but . . .

Elena

Sorry, Claude, I didn’t mean to disappoint your plans! (exits)

Claude sits at the table, staring at the empty seat for several seconds, recounts the money left for the bill.  Enter Angelo.  

Angelo

Just thought I’d drop by, Claude,

And see how you’re doing.

What’s wrong, you look bored,

As if you’ve been tossed around --

I’ll bet it was that sandy blonde.

Claude (barely paying attention)

I meant well, but I got the short end --

And anyway, what’s it to you, dude?

Angelo

Come on!  How’s your love life, Claude?

I’ve been spying on you, I admit.

Claude (staring into space)

My love life is in the doghouse

Somewhere between the pits & the shits.

Angelo

Claude!  Claude! You can moan and you can sigh,

But face it: you are Everyguy.

All guys and all girls must complain –

You give each other such a pain!

But there are deep reasons for this –

To you, of course,

Hard to elucidate,

Ridiculous to explain –

But tuck this inside your skull –

You’re a pawn in a chess game.

A selfish gene in a big pool --

In other words, love’s fool.

Lights down –  in a few seconds, up.  Claude is sitting in a car being driven by a prim blonde called Desiree. A scenic drive through the Blue Ridge Mountains. 

Scene 3

The Outraged

Claude

Desiree, nice of you to make lunch – and such healthy stuff!  Nice to do all the driving – and such a scenic route (gazing out, makes a grand gesture).  I’m having fun.

Desiree

So am I, Claude.

Claude

DesirAY?  Am I pronouncing your name right?  As in lay or today?

Desiree

Oh yes, that’s how I like it --  (turns head sharply to look out the window). See that blue ridge?  A beauty!  I saw it!

Claude

It was beautiful (turns his head).  Now it’s gone!

Desiree

I’m glad you thought of taking a scenic ride together.  Autumn in the Blue Ridge Mountains.  You know, Claude (she turns furtively toward him).

Claude

Yes, Desiree.

Desiree

I really appreciate somebody who appreciates . . .

Claude (eagerly)

Yes?

Desiree

Things.  Know what I mean?  Just appreciates things.

Claude

I know what you mean.

Desiree

You may, but I doubt it (pause).  You see . . . I know what it’s like not to be appreciated (laughs and shakes her head).

Claude

Well, Desiree (smiles sheepishly) . . . I appreciate you.

Desiree

Thank you, Claude, I like being appreciated by you.

Claude

I appreciate that, too.  

Desiree

So Claude . . . when did you say you split with your . . . wife?

Claude

Not too long ago – seems like forever.  It’s over – over and out! (snickers)

Desiree

Less than six months?

Claude

Ah, now let me see (looks up, counting mentally) – around that.  But like I said – done!   I finally said it! ‘I can check it off.’

Desiree

Same with me, Claude, -- ‘check it off’ – one way to put it.  I had it with the guy I married. 

Claude

Isn’t this a meaningful co-incidence?

Desiree

What, Claude?

Claude

We both ‘checked it off’ – and like the feeling.  The free . . .

Desiree (flash of panic in her face)

Free?

Claude (stunned by her change)

Yes, free . . . like, free to jump in your car and go for a drive like this --

Desiree

Yes –

Claude

Free to do what we want – go where we want --

Desiree (sightly alarmed, pauses, then chirps)

But I have to go to work tomorrow!

Claude

Of course, Desiree! 

Desiree (regains her composure)

You know, Claude, you wouldn’t believe it -- I mean about my husband. 

Claude

Is that so?

Desiree

You wouldn’t!  I’ll tell you one thing –

Claude

Just one?

Desiree (loudly with hint of fury)

I was his slave!

Claude

Eyes on the road! (slight panic)

Desiree

Sorry!  I get mad when I think of him!  It’s the only time I get mad.

Pause for a while as they ride and stare at the passing landscape.

Claude

Desiree, I can see why.  Don’t sound like a nice guy at all. (Silence) Was the pie homemade too?

Desiree

It’s one thing I’m good at.  Baking apple pie.  I have to say – it’s very frustrating.

Claude

What?

Desiree

Not being appreciated.

Claude

Still thinking about the bad hubby? 

Desiree

I was thinking about my job, all my good suggestions.  Nobody listens.! Next day they do what I said – but without thanks!

Claude

It’s their loss, Desiree.  They’re not big enough – in here (points to his heart). 

Desiree (mutters)

You lose heart when you’re not appreciated.

Claude (reaches out and touches her arm)

Hang out with people who appreciate you. (She smiles back but doesn’t touch him back.)

Desiree (turning toward Claude)

Claude, it’s amazing – the things you find out. . .

Claude

I agree – I keep finding out things . . . I like finding out . . .

Desiree (interrupting)

Then you’re going to like this.

Claude

I am?

Desiree

Claude, is a woman supposed to enjoy sex?

Claude(laughs and looks at her amazed)

You joking?

Desiree

Not a joke, Claude!  Is a woman supposed to enjoy sex?  Answer me!

Claude(immediately, enthusiastically)

Of course, Desiree!  Yes, yes, absolutely yes!

Desiree

I’m glad to hear you say that, Claude.

Claude

I’ll say it again!

Desiree

My ex husband would disagree!

Claude

But why?  That would be crazy, stupid!

Desiree

And not only my husband.

Claude

Whadya mean?

Desiree

I got the same message from my dad.  Claude, it’s a powerful thing – having a father.  I learned to think like him.  I was just a baby-making machine.  (Suddenly points at the passing landscape.)  See that?  Beautiful!  (Resuming.)  Both of them!  Father and husband.  I got talked down (again, her head twists around) Claude, you missed it -- that sign --  ‘Hot Springs Retreat.’

Claude

Eh! Sounds, well, pretty . . . hot.

Desiree(pause)

Yes, the springs are very hot – but so relaxing.  I wish I had the cash reserves.   What I wouldn’t do for a weekend at the spa! 

Claude

Is it costly, Desiree?

Desiree

I don’t have the time – or the money –  (wistfully) A whole weekend . . . .

Claude

Team up with a friend – share a room – save money. (Long pause, a few ahs from both gazing at landscape.)  And by the way, Desiree – you really were brainwashed!  (Pause.)   . . . I wanted to ask you something.

Desiree

Go ahead, Claude.

Claude

Did you really never wonder it they were right?

Desiree

Right?

Claude

Did you really need to be told you could enjoy sex?

Desiree

Why Claude? (affecting astonishment)

Claude

You must have . . .  I mean . . . didn’t you ever discover your own – what’s that word?  . . . . zones.

Desiree

Claude, you’re quite the inquisitor! (smiling dryly)

Claude (not sure of her look)

The pursuit of sexual happiness.  Thomas Jefferson would say it’s okay.    

Desiree (glancing away)

I’m sure he would.  Have you been to Monticello? 

Claude

I have.  And did you know three feet of snow fell on Jefferson’s wedding night in Monticello? Pretty romantic, don’t you think?

Desiree

Not really, his slaves would have to dig him out in the morning.  Why do you keep scratching your ear?  

Claude

Say the word and I’ll slice it off for you!

Desiree

Claude, such violent thoughts!

Claude

Not really, Desiree – .  I was thinking . . .

Desiree (cautious)

Thinking?  What were you thinking?  

Claude

The Hot Springs Retreat. (Pause.) What fun to go there some time – a visit, a weekend visit. 

Desiree

Would it, Claude?  Would it be fun?

Claude

You said you couldn’t afford it, but . . .

Desiree

I can’t afford the treats.  Money’s tight.      

Claude

I say you deserve a treat!  And soon . . . at the Hot Springs  . . .

Desiree

What are you trying to say?  (perturbed)

Claude

It’s unbelievably simple, Desiree! We combine our resources – the road, Desiree! (sudden swerve).

Desiree

Combine them, Claude?  For what purpose?

Claude

The Hot Springs Retreat – the place we passed . . .

Desiree

Claude, you’re not saying that  . . .

Claude

Say?  What say?  Do!  I want to do (grinning good naturedly).  And I want to do with you!

Desiree

But Claude, there’s something you don’t understand . . .

Claude

The Hot Springs Retreat --  am I a dummy?  Or is this a great idea? 

Desiree

Great?  I . . . I don’t know.

Claude

And think of the benefits!

Desiree

What’s that, Claude?

Claude (smiling, opens his arms)

Each other’s company. (Desiree hits the brakes) Hey! (yowls)

Desiree (looks away from Claude, stares rigidly at the road ahead.  Prolonged silence.)

Claude (head turns)

See that!  Seven miles to Damascus!  Boy, I love the names of these little towns.  Desiree! (looks at her carefully) You OK?  Why so quiet. Did I say something wrong? Like my idea about the Retreat?

Desiree (turns sharply toward him)

You know, Claude, you have a dirty mind (turns attention back to road).

Claude

I thought you liked me!  What’s wrong with wanting something nice to happen -- between us?

Desiree (long pause, hits the break, slows up)

Claude, I’m going to drop you off now.

Claude

Drop me off?  Right here? In the middle of nowhere?

Desiree

Yes, Claude – I am.

Claude

You must be out of your mind!

Desiree

Get ready, Claude.  (Pointing.) Just down the road -- there’s a turn off.  You can hitch a ride to the Hot Springs Retreat.  Happy trails! (steps out of car, and opens the door for Claude to exit.  Claude exits the car. Desiree drives away, and Claude is left upstage, looking around, dazed.  Then, a Voice.)

Angelo’s Voice

Hi there, Claude, it’s me again.  I’ve been watching over your shoulder.  I feel for you, buddy.  And don’t worrry – I’m not about to ask:  ‘How’s it going?’

Claude

Better not! (jumps to attention and looks around frantically) Hey!  Who called me?

Angelo

I did, Claude.

Claude

You?  Where are you?

Angelo

Don’t ask difficult questions.

Claude

Well, then, what are you?

Angelo

Your designated mentor.  I’m trying to think of something to say. The moment I notice something go wrong, it’s too late. I hate to break the news -- I’m a lousy guardian angel. 

Claude

Hey man, what are you talking about?  Come out and show me your face!

Blackout, then lights again

Scene 4

The Insulted

Claude and Tina are standing by a bus stop.

Claude

Tina of Transylvania!  Not sure I can handle it -- never knew there was a real Transylvania -- I thought it was a place in old vampire movies.

Tina (Stares intently at him; large black eyes, jet black hair that shoots out stiffly from her head; skin,  fair, slightly rough; exposed biceps evincing pumping iron syndrome. )  I’m a recovering vampire!  You are interested? (Slight Eastern European accent.)

Claude (smiles)

Oh, yes! (looks her up and down)

Tina

And think, a minute ago you perfect stranger.

Claude

And then I said – ‘hey there! Didn’t I just see you at the Celestial Birdhouse?’  And you said, ‘I saw you, too!’

Tina

So here we are, face to face (in a voice sure of itself, shakes her awesome head and hair, and looks at Claude with deep interest.)

Claude

What were you doing in the Birdhouse?  Don’t tell me – I know – where else do they play space music and serve Himalayan icecream? I’m Claude (extends and they shake hands, with pause).

Tina

Pleased to meet you, Claude – my name you know – I’m the florist at the East end of town (hands her card to Claude who is staring, hypnotized by the intense-looking Tina.)

You should come to my shop.  There is much interesting things to see.  I work hard – I think you will like it.  I like your belt – Claude? (reaches and touches his elaborate belt buckle) – it’s . . . what?   Greek, maybe?  (hands him another card) This one has my

home number.

Claude

Thank you.  It would be nice . . . Tina,

Tina

Yes?

Claude

If we could go somewhere -- and talk.  That would be fun, yes?

Tina

Yes, yes, it would, Claude – you’ll like my daughters – twins.

Claude

Twins!  I’m sure I’d like them – and the father?

Tina (frowning)

No father, gone – whiii (makes a whirring sound and turns toward Claude, looking up at him with distracting intensity).

Claude (looks away)

How about tomorrow then?

Tina

I’d like to (continues to peer soulfully at Claude with her immense black eyes).    But tomorrow – no (pause and musing).  How about the day after tomorrow?  Right here.  We can go straight across the street (points) for breakfast.

Claude

What time?

Tina

Nine-thirty okay?

Claude (perkily)

Perfect!

Tina

How about ten-thirty?

Claude

More perfect (indestructible agreeableness).

Tina

Thanks, Claude, (slows up) I’m glad we met.

Claude

I’m glad, too.  Mind if I say something?

Tina

No.

Claude

This is so easy – so magical – the way it ought to be (smiles with gratitude).

Tina (looks at him sympathetically) Here then day after tomorrow.  Where did you say you worked?

Claude

I didn’t (smiles). I’ll tell you over breakfast (looks in the distance). That’s not my bus.

Tina

Bye, Claude.

Claude (smiles optimistically)

Till the day after tomorrow.

Lights out, few seconds dark, lights on, Claude back at the same spot two days later, pacing up and down, looking at his wrist watch and shaking his head in frustration. Stops. 

Claude

I should have known

Too good to be true

That hair!  Those eyes!

She broke the date!

I should have known

I would end up alone

On this corner

In this state!

How could she act like she meant it so?

And then just not show?

Well, I’ll wait around a little more,

Why, you say – and what for?

‘Cause I’m an ass, a fool, a bore!

Lights out and on.

Claude sitting at a chair with his cell phone in his hand.  Dials. Gets Tina’s answering machine.

Tina’s Voice

Hello, you’ve reached Tina’s Fab Florist.  Please leave a message. 

Claude

Tina of Transylvania!  Claude here! Hey! What happened?  You didn’t show up! (Hangs up.)

Lights out, pause, then on.

Claude (sitting on chair with cell phone in hand)

Why am I so slow?

It won’t penetrate my skull!

Three days come and go --

No Tina, no telephone call.

Okay, gotta try once more

Before I walk out the door.

(Rings up Tina, new message on answering machine.)

Tina’s Voice

Message at the beep!

I’m out of town

At a conference on flowers.

Remember our motto:

Go green and plant deep.

It’s Save Our Flowers Week!

Claude (exasperated)

She changed her message!  Save our flowers!  How sensitive!  But what about me? (lifts his phone to his mouth) Tina! Where were you? Here’s my message!  Either you’re a narcissist, or a dummy, or you get your kicks psyching guys up and then trashing them – which is it, Tina of Transylvania? (clicks off his phone, puts it down on the seat of the chair, starts to walk around the chair, eyeing the phone suspiciously.) 

Other side of the proscenium, Tina sitting on a chair, listening to the message on the speaker phone; immediately starts tapping the floor with her foot, with mounting ferocity.  As Claude is walking circles round his chair and phone, Tina starts to walk around her chair, faster than Claude, suddenly lunges toward her phone, whips it to her ear, and dials.  Claude immediately whips it up.

Tina

Hello, is it you? (loud and harsh) What nerve! (Exasperated.) You there?  What nerve! (Claude pulls phone from his ear.)  Who do you think you are?  Get my kicks? 

Claude

Calm down, Tina!

Tina

Dummy? You think me dummy?  Psyching up? Who? What think you?

Claude

I think . . .

Tina

What? Since when?  Did you know?  Dummy me?  I work hard.  I raise my daughters.

Claude

I believe . . .

Tina

I am the best florist in town. 

Claude

Hold it . . .

Tina

Everybody knows me!  My orchids! They love my orchids.  I . . .

Claude

I’m not denying any of that – all I . . .

Tina

Narcissist?  What’s that supposed to mean? Calling me names!  I expect apology!  My whole family does! 

Claude

Apologize for what?  (Lowers his voice, calmly.) You owe me an apology!

Tina

You crazy? (makes threatening gesture with fists)

Claude

We had a date.  I waited for you on the corner.  You gave your word.

Tina

So what did you expect? (snickering with contempt.)

Claude

I expected . . .

Tina

You don’t know me – talk to me like that . . .???

Claude

You owe me . . .

Tina

Nothing!

Claude

An apology!

Tina

How? Who are you?  Better than me?

Claude

You made a promise – you broke it –

Tina

Whole town knows who I am.

Claude (Pause, exasperated)

Well, then, Tina, you must be right – since everybody knows how wonderful you are! 

Tina

Well!  I’m waiting!

Claude

I’m really truly sorry I said you were vain, stupid, or morally defective.  Is that what I said?

Tina

You’re telling me!  And what’s the idea?

Claude

Well, I take it back, I do apologize. (Pause)

Tina (grimacing fiercely)

I’m waiting . . .

Claude

What I meant to say was: you are vain, stupid, and morally defective!

Lights down for a few seconds.

Scene 5

The Evasive

Lights on Claude, sitting on a bench in a park, contemplating a sycamore tree.

Claude (to the tree)

I wonder if it’s more fun being a tree than a man.  Do you feel the sun?  The rain?

Angelo enters from behind the tree, waving his hands, a frumpy little guy who talks with a New York accent)

Angelo

Sure, sure, I feel every molecule!  Whadya think I am – a block of stone?

Claude

Hey, who are you?

Angelo

Okay, I’m not the tree – I’m your  . . . guide, you know, guardian – we have met.  Angelo is my name.  I go back to your days in the East Bronx.  There’s something I have to say about Vanessa.

Claude

Vanessa? You know about Vanessa?  Angelo – are Italian?  Mafioso?  Cosa Nostra? Papal spy?  Who sent you?

Angelo

I’m your friend.

Claude

I don’t know you (turns his back)

Angelo

You’re bursting with curiosity about Vanessa?

Claude

Hey! Who are you?  How do you know about her?

Angelo

She left a message with the librarian.  She heard about you and wants very badly to talk with you.  Am I right, Claude? 

Claude

You’re full of shit!

Angelo (serene and friendly)

Calm down, Claude. 

Claude

You know my name!  How come!   

Angelo

I know a lot of things, Claude.

Claude

Are you a friend of Vanessa?

Angelo

Not at all.  I’m your friend.

Claude

Then what about Vanessa?  I have yet to see her – to meet her – but she wants to talk to me.  At least that’s what I keep hearing. 

Angelo

Any idea why?  Because of your philateley?  What is she like?

Claude

Evasive! She approaches then swerves away.  A pattern repeats itself.  I’m curious – that’s all.  I’m not chasing her. No desire for her.  But all the same, it feels as if she’s avoiding me.

Angelo

That is strange.  Interesting, too.  Am I correct?

Claude

I can’t help being drawn in --  . . .

Angelo

Can’t get her out of your mind.  She’s a mystery.  Is that it, Claude?

Claude (fiddling with his cell phone)

I’m curious --  I can’t help it . . .

Angelo

What’s with the cell phone? 

Claude

I’m expecting a call from Vanessa.

Angelo

How long have you been waiting?

Claude

I don’t know – days, weeks.  I sent a message back.  ‘Vanessa,’ I said, ‘I’m willing to talk with you. And so, I got a message from a third person – Vanessa needs to talk with me.  Now she says it’s urgent.  Maybe today, I feel it . . .

Angelo

Today?

Claude

I had the feeling yesterday – and the day before. 

Angelo (calmly)

You seem upset, Claude.

Claude

I expect to hear from her any minute.   I’ll help her if I can, but she has to turn up  – show her face – something.

Angelo

I couldn’t agree more.

Claude

Vanessa has me all worked up – and I haven’t even met her yet –  

Angelo

How do you know she’s real?

Claude

I was minding my own business.

Angelo

I’m witness to that!

Claude

Suddenly I’m getting all these messages – a woman named Vanessa wants urgently to talk to me – okay, I say, I’m all ears.  I respond.  I put the word out – Vanessa! Whoever you are – feel free to contact me in any way you wish! By phone! By email! By post office!  (Pause.) I provide all contact information.  And then?

Angelo

You tell me, Sir!

Claude

Nothing! You would expect something!

Angelo

So why even bother?  

Claude

She evades all contact but also refuses to leave me alone.

Angelo

Will she ever reveal herself?  What do you think?

Claude

She’s waiting for the perfect moment.  I can feel it!  Contact!  Revelation!  And I’ll be there for her, I’ll . . .

Angelo (gazing into space)

Listen to me, Claude -- be open to something . . . else. 

Claude

Angelo, something is going to happen.

Angelo (cocks his ear)

Claude, you’re right.  The phone’s going to ring in seconds – prepare for Vanessa (the phone rings).

Claude

I’ll let it ring a few times.  Go ahead.  Ring. (finally clicks on the phone)  Hello! . . . Hello!  (To Angelo, whispers)  It must be Vanessa – hold it – I’ll plug this into the speaker phone.  Vanessa?  Is that you?

Vanessa (pause)

Ugva . . nnss

Claude

What was that?  Vanessa?  Is that you?  Yes or no?

Vanessa

Ugyass!  Ugyass!

Claude

Is that a yes?

Vanessa

Ugyass.

Claude

So it is you!  Vanessa, is this really you. (Soft gurgling from V..) Vanessa?   I can’t make out what you’re saying.   You sound congested?  Are you congested? (To Angelo) Sounds congested!  I wonder why she called today?  (Back to phone.)  Vanessa!  Is everything alright?  Can you talk clearer?

Vanessa (high pitched and soft, almost inaudible)

 Ulltryansable!  Wraat! Okirreeoo??

Claude

You must really be sick!

Vanessa

Ugyass!

Claude

So anyway I’m glad we finally connected . . . I heard from several parties that you wanted to talk with me – yes?

Vanessa

Gyasson! (very excited)

Claude

Come again!!

Vanessa (aspirating)

Asson!  Asson!

Claude

I can’t make it out – stop!  Vanessa?  Will you listen for a moment.  Please.  First, I want you to know that whatever the problem is . . . I want to hear about it . . .and I want to help.  But maybe we should wait . . .

Vanessa

Ughroomie!  Ughboomie! (pleadingly)

Claude

I’m sorry, Vanessa.  I’m trying; but I can’t quite make out what you’re saying –

come to think of it – can I ask you a question?  Don’t answer!  Just listen.  I’m curious. Whydya call me today?  Why right now?  Just at a time when you’re so . . . congested! .  You don’t even sound human!  (Raising his voice, restraining the edge) Why of all days call me ughboomie today?

Vanessa

Idontdy – (she sneezes) hchewww!!

Claude

I have no idea what you want from me, but people keep saying you want to meet me.  I guess there’s something to it after all!

Vanessa

Yameyeyam!  Neerie! 

Claude

Are you doing this on purpose?  Are you bullshiting me?

Vanessa

Assoni! Assoni! (coughs violently and loudly)

Claude

That’s enough – I think it’s time to end this phone call – and if you don’t mind – don’t call again.

Vanessa (With finality)

Ughboomie!

(Disconnects phone) Jesus, Angelo!  Did you hear that?  Hey, wheredju go? (Angelo exits behind the Tree of Knowledge.

Lights down

Interlude

Angelo (pacing up and down front-stage)

What an unlucky dude, our Claude – our Everyguy.

Gets the same results, no matter how hard he try.

Can’t even get to first base

He’s not even – come to think of it! – in the race.

Can you imagine how he must feel?

How it chips away his sense of being real?

What can we do to soften his poor state?

What can we try to ameliorate his fate?

Let’s concentrate on Claude’s love success

And imagine for him some happiness.

We can play God with his life and soul

And weave his parts and sew him whole.

No guarantees though, this is tricky stuff –

Try as you may might not be enough.

Scene 6

The Married

A street at a corner.  A tree with bare branches and a small bench under it. Lights come up: Claude emerges lackadasically at one end of the stage, head down, hands swinging gently.

Angelo’s Voice

Claude! Claude! Pay attention!

Claude (looks around)

You again!  What do you want now?

Angelo

Look alert!  Brace yourself!

Claude looks up, and as he does the Married Woman enters at opposite end of stage. The minute she sees Claude, picks up her pace, opens and extends her arms, and charges toward him.  They meet mid-stage and she warmly embraces Claude, hugging, breast to chest, squeezing him firmly several times from his lower back. 

Claude

Marion!  You sure know how to say hello!  I really felt it – thanks!

Marion

It’s good to say hello – like you mean it (smiling dreamily).  It’s like gardening!

Claude

Gardening?

Marion

Feels good to water your garden freely – makes you feel free . . .

Claude

Okay! (pause) I think I get it.

Marion

I’m glad you do, Claude. 

Claude

Yes, and lunch was good last week.  I really enjoyed it.  Still, I walked away feeling a little unsatisfied.

Marion

Something wrong with Thai cuisine?

Claude

No, the cuisine was fine.  But I kept wondering about – your husband.  Is he still?  Or how long?  (pause) Marion, sit down (points to bench; they sit down and look around).  It doesn’t matter – right?  About your marital status – but I thought – when you said – and we stood there (pause) – you know what I mean? 

Marion

No, Claude . . .  –

Claude

It doesn’t matter – but I mean, are you?  What’s going on?  Sorry -- I’m a curious guy!

Marion

Harold and I have an understanding – if I want to go somewhere, I go.  So that’s the idea – (smiles)  I’ve got my own life to live now.  Now I want to be me.  It’s been a long time.

Claude

Of course, I understand – I think.  What you say is interesting.  I would like to live my own life too. Be at one with myself.  Breathe life in –  (takes a deep breath). Yes!  I like your ideas.

Marion

You should be able to tell one thing.

Claude

What’s that, Marian? (leans toward her on the bench)

Marion

I’m trying to get better . . .

Claude

At?

Marion

At?  At living.  At breathing, tasting, feeling . . . (with passionate gestures)

Claude (getting turned on)

I guess I’m trying for the same thing (reaches out and lightly touches her arm; she responds warmly).  So, you know, I was thinking, . . .

Marion

You understand what interests me, Claude.

Claude

I think I do.  I think I do.   Marion?

Marion

Yes Claude.

Claude

I have an idea.

Marion (not smiling)

That could be dangerous.

Claude

Why let yourself be frightened? 

Marion

You might be right, Claude (smiles, slight hesitation).

Claude

Let’s go driving in the Blue Ridge Mountains – we could have a picnic – admire the falling leaves.  

Marion

I love the Blue Ridge Mountains, especially in October.

Claude

Isn’t that a coincidence?  We’re in October.

Marion

October is my favorite month.

Claude

Mine too (pause).  Well, Marion? 

Marion

The conclusion?

Claude

Yes, Marion, let’s do it!  How about this weekend?

Marion (unhesitatingly, blandly)

Oh, no – that won’t be possible.

Claude

Well, then, during the week – next weekend – you name it!

Marion (getting serious, pause)

It’s a little hard to say exactly when . . .

Claude (stymied)

Oh!

Marion

You do understand.

Claude (hesitant)

I do.  Of course.

Marion

What did you think?

Claude

Marion, I thought . . .

Marion

What?

Claude

I thought I heard you use words that meant you were . . . separating , in other words splitting from your husband.  I thought this meant something.  I thought you were telling me something.

Marion

Not really.

Claude

I thought you were telling me you were free –

Marion

I said I enjoy listening to you talk about me – . . .

Claude

What about the way you greeted me?

Marion

You mean . . .?

Claude

I mean your pelvis spoke volumes! 

Marion (laughs out loud)

That’s just how I am! That’s just me.  I’m a touchy-feely-huggy lady! 

Claude

And the Blue Ridge Mountains?

Marion

Beautiful!

Claude

I mean, what about our trip there.  What better place to practice being, breathing, LIVING!  All that good stuff you want to do.  What are you beating around the bush for?  Why are playing games with me?  Let’s just go!  To the mountains!  There we’ll be free!

Marion (perfunctory)

Claude, it’s not a bad idea.

Claude

So we agree! (mock jubilant)

Marion

You’re forgetting something, Claude.  I hate to have to remind you.

Claude

What am I forgetting?  You haven’t answered my question yet? !! (a little carried away by his feelings).

Marion

I still am . . . you know . . .

Claude (with earnest and naïve passion, advancing toward Marion who recoils gracefully)  

Available!  Open!  Eager!  Hot and ready!

Marion (loudly)

Married!

Lights down, switch to

Scene 7

The Artiste

Claude is standing before a tiny one person gallery called Dedaela.  In the window is a photograph of an enlarged area of a human hand with a swollen mosquito bite.  Beside it is hung a similarly framed photo of a human buttock with the characteristic bull’s-eye mark of a deer tic bite. Both photos were encased in thick black frames about twenty by sixteen inches.  Claude, moved by his curiosity, steps inside; an attractive woman – the Artiste -- wearing native American jewelry and a low cut red blouse greets him.  She smiles broadly.

Artiste

Come in – have a look around.  Questions? Ask.

Claude (looks around; the walls are covered with carefully framed photographs of various skin disorders and conditions, some of them under high magnification, but all treated with respect for lighting and composition.)

Claude

Thank you, I will – I was admiring your Lime disease photographs – got my attention!

Artiste

Thank you, I came to them by chance.  But look – don’t talk!  I mean, first look (smiling and shrugging).

Claude walks around the little gallery silently, pausing before each artwork.

Claude

I’m startled by . . . the originality.

Artiste

Thanks.  You’re very kind.  I’ve been working at it for fifteen years.  I mean, for fifteen years it was my passion – but I had to stick to my day job.   Now (looks around, waves her hand) I’ve got my own shop.

Claude

Congratulations!

Artiste

It was hard work.  But I made it. (serious note, looking at him) So what about the photos? . . . ?

Claude

The idea of making art out of skin . . . screw ups . . . is pretty cool.

Artiste

I used to work for a dermatologist.  I had to deal with photographs of all kinds of skin eruptions and growths.  My first was a Lime disease beauty.  Shot it from different angles, enlarged and and changed the lighting.   Went on my own.   You know how I got ahead?  Ask!  Ask your friends!  Any pimples, warts, moles? Can I see your birth marks?  (Pause.) Now and then I sold one – a lot depends on the frame.

Claude

I believe you about the frames.

Artiste

So what do you do?

Claude

Work for the government – I’m a surveyor.  It’s a little known government project.  Ever since the new Oslamma Administration.

Artiste

Well, what is it?  What’s it called?

Claude

I’m afraid I can’t give out that information.

Artiste

What do you survey?

Claude

Atmospheres – all kinds of atmospheres.

Artiste

Atmospheres?  What do you mean?  How do you do that?

Claude

It’s partly intuitive, partly scientific – guess what?

Artiste

Yeah?

Claude

I’m surveying your gallery – what’s it called?

Artiste

Dermographics Unlimited.

Claude

Are you listed?

Artiste

Listed?  Sure I’m listed!  (shaking her head) I’ve never heard of your line of work.

Claude

I’m just a regular guy.  Modern art! (makes a gesture of incomprehension).  Mind if I sit down? (he sits)

Artiste

Know much about psychosomatics?

Claude

Nope.

Artiste

The skin . . . the skin is pychosomatic (touches her face with both hands and then reaches toward Claude’s face but stops short).

Claude (incredulous)

What do you mean?

Artiste

We break out if we’re upset – right?   Skin is weird, skin is a great artiste!

Claude

Really?  I like your sense of color – (staring at her cleavage, getting hypnotized).  When you said ‘skin’, I thought of your red top against your tan skin. (points) You a tan parlor lady?

Artiste

No, I’m naturally tan.  You asked about my art.  Skin is my medium.  Skin is better than paper, better than canvas.  Think of it this way.  You blush and the color just appears in your cheeks.  What kind of paper can do that? You sit around and let time go by and your skin changes, wrinkles, cracks, sags. Can I tell you something?

Claude

How could I say no?

Artiste

I’m not worried about withering into an old hag!  I’ll photograph myself! 

Claude (gasping with amazement)

Wow, you must really love what you do -- .   

Artiste

It’s all in the skin.  So expressive.  

Claude

So true! Your photos! I mean, look at this!  And this!  (pointing) And this!  Far out.

Artiste

Thank you.  I could never think of what to say after I magnified somebody’s boil and made a photograph of it. So where are you from?

Claude

Oh, not far – (happier, bouyant)  But . . .what I started to say – what you’re doing – it’s . . . it’s . . .

Artiste (starting to turn away)

Go ahead, please!  I can’t wait to hear!

Claude (sincerely)

It’s amazing what you do!  Out of something ugly -- a pimple -- you create beauty!  

Artiste

We’re on the same page there.

Claude

I guess we are, I guess we are (can’t take his eyes off the Artiste’s proudly expressive chest).

Artiste

Maybe you could help me with a slogan to sell my work.

Claude

You mean, like “From Boil to Beauty” or “The Happiness of Herpes.”

Artiste

Keep trying . . .

Claude

Before I leave, take my card.

Artiste

Hmm, I am impressed -- Regional Assessor of Atmospheric Anomalies.

Claude

Maybe we could have coffee or something sometime.

Artiste (hesitates, suddenly looks glum and tight)

Well . . . maybe . . . maybe  . . . but I should be clear . . .

Claude

No big deal.

Artiste

I must be clear; you have to know.  I don’t want any confusion.

Claude

I’m not confused.

Artiste

We have to know the difference.

Claude

The difference?     

Artiste (solemn)

You say that; but I don’t want any problems.  I’ve been working hard to get where I am.  See what I mean? 

Claude

Oh, believe me, I wasn’t looking for trouble. 

Artiste (musing intently)

Couldn’t risk it.  (louder)  I won’t risk it! 

Claude

Never!  

Artiste

I’ll call you, I got your card.  I loved your take on my pimple portraits, my wart compositions.  I was disappointed by one thing.

Claude

What was that?

Artiste

You missed my squamous moles.

Claude

How could I?

Artiste

Getting late now.  I have work to do (smiles and looks away from Claude.

Lights down. Long pause. 

Scene 8

The Divine

Light on Claude sitting cross-legged in Sernenita’s private sanctuary; there are symbols and artifacts evoking various goddesses.  A burning stick of incense.

Claude

Say it again, Serenita.

Serenita

It’s true – you are the kind of man – the type – I could run off with.  I don’t mind if I tell you.  You know I’m not conventional.

Claude

Yes, I can vouch for that.

Serenita

So now that you know (smilng coyly), don’t tempt me.

Claude

But how can I deny the man in me?

Serenita

Man is something to be surpassed.

Claude

By what?

Serenita

The divine.

Claude (pause, admiring the frail luminous beauty of long-haired Serenita)

I don’t really know what you’re talking about.  But there’s something about you I can’t put it into words.

Serenita

Try, Claude (smiling) – you can do it.

Claude

Thanks for the encouragement.  There really is something spiritual about you – an aura.

Serenita

You see auras? (heightened interest)

Claude

I sense a halo – like your name – of serenity.  It’s very attractive – when I look at you – I feel calm.  Maybe it’s just your name.  It could also be your long hair and your legs and your lips.

Serenita

You’re very suggestible (bows her head in genuine humility).

Claude

You’re very suggestive.

Serenita

Really?  What do I suggest to you?

Claude

Again, words fail – but you confuse me . . .

Serenita

Confusion?   Between what and what?

Claude

The ethereal and the horny.

Serenita (innocently)

Claude, I don’t mean to confuse you.

Claude

I’m not confused.  But I was wondering about something.

Serenita

What was that, Claude?

Claude

Why I can only see you . . . here.  Has a nice feeling of purity alright, but I ain’t sure if I’m supposed to be bowing all the time before the goddess – (points to a portrait of the Goddess, Kali, sitting on a heap of skulls).

Serenita (laughing) 

Oh, don’t mind Kali just because she collects human skulls.

Claude

What I mean is that this place feels like a shrine – it comes between us.

Serenita

Relax, Claude – Spirit welcomes you with open arms.  Know what I mean?

Claude

No, not really.

Serenita

But you do, Claude.  You must.  

Claude

What I was trying to say, Serenita . . .

Serenita

Ask me anything . . .(laughs lightly again) and don’t forget -- there’s something I want to tell you.

Claude

Oh, yes – something unusual, you said.

Serenita

Yes, Claude – very unusual.

Claude

So unusual you hesitate to tell me – but you want to – right? 

Serenita

I do hesitate – and I do want to tell you – it’s all about timing.   

Claude

Timing?

Serenita

Did I use the word timing? (pensive pause).

Claude (fixing on the tantalizing figure of Serenita)

Serenita --  whatever happened left you with . . . I don’t know (looks intently at her) – a belief, a mission – is that the right word?

Serenita (silent pause)

You do understand, Claude – don’t you? (searching look). 

Claude

Actually, no . . . (pause) but I want to learn – I really do!   But not here!  Let’s step outside . . . take a walk, go for a drink, go somewhere – anywhere, but . . .you know – outa here!

Serenita

Does the incense bother you?

Claude

No, Serenita – I love the incense.

Serenita

Then be still and know thy god – ever hear that one?

Claude

I don’t feel like being still, Serenita.  I feel like moving . . . 

Serenita (pause, sympathetic)

Claude, I just don’t know – I’m waiting.

Claude

You’re waiting?  Waiting for what?

Serenita

You might as well know this about me – I’m telling you because of what I said before.  About you being a certain type . . . and me wanting to share my secret with you . . .

Claude

I can’t tell you how I feel when I hear you say that.  I want to hear more – but outside!

Serenita

Listen to me, Claude – inside, outside – what’s the difference?

Claude

You don’t ever want to go outside?

Serenita

Listen to me, Claude.  I don’t just do things the way other people do things.  I’m not bragging -- it’s just a fact!

Claude

Why call it bragging?  It’s just a fact that you’re amazing! 

Serenita (very softly) Claude, I’m guided. (Waits a little) Spirit speaks to me.  That’s a fact.

Claude (musing)

That’s (shrugging) cool.  You’re guided?  Everything is planned for you?

Serenita

I’m guided – if it’s important – guidance comes. (pause, shakes her head) Sometimes it comes by not coming.  But with you – I expect guidance.  I’m not making a move without guidance. 

Claude

You’re talking about Spirit?

Serenita

Who else?  And you know why, you devil Claude!  

Claude

What do you mean?

Serenita

You’re not just any kind of a guy!  Spirit has to weigh in.

Claude (flabbergasted)

And so?

Serenita

Wait and see . . . wait and see.

Claude (springs up and starts to pace around)

So!  Now I get it!  You’re waiting for Spirit to say it’s okay.   

Serenita

I can’t tell you what will happen.  Spirit likes to surprise us.

Claude

Will you tell me one thing?  What’s it like when Spirit speaks?

Serenita

That’s a big question, Claude.

Claude

I’d love to know.   

Serenita

Claude, I have many guides, all part of a system I call Spirit.  It’s not that easy to step out for a cup of coffee (laughing). Oh, Claude – is this hard for you?  It’s not really (softly and very tranquil, polite, firmer, more distant). You see, I’m still learning the system myself –

Claude

What system (note of impatience)?

Serenita

Alright, I’m re . . .(Claude lunges at Serenita with the intention of embracing her, but she brushes him off imperiously)  Will you listen to me, Claude (smiling but waving her finger at him.)  How can I explain Spirit with you mauling me?

Claude

The coffee shop is just around the corner!

Serenita

You keep forgetting!  I’m different.

Claude

You are different and I’m drawn to you -- but not to Spirit!

Serenita

If you only knew . . . the joy! . . .  the clarity! 

Claude

Sounds wonderful, but could you ask Spirit if we can go out?  

Serenita

I could, Claude.  I could try.  But I have many guides. They have different names and special jobs . . . the system is complicated . . . but I can ask –

Claude (anxiously)

It’s hard to get in touch with Spirit?

Serenita

There are many layers to the system, nests inside nests, . . .

Claude (desperation rising)

You gotta know a few short-cuts!

Serenita

I have three main guides, Echo, Fabian, and Pontifex.  Echo is my relationship guide.  Fabian is there for the next move, like switching jobs, traveling, astral or otherwise.  And Pontifex handles surprises, the unexpected, the dangerous.  There are many more, most of them nameless (lowers her eyelids). Having them all is very comforting.

Claude

I can see how (rolling his eyes).

Serenita

You can?

Claude

You have guidance for everything – right?

Serenita

You can see tha?!

Claude

Then get some so we can walk out of here!   What good is it if you’re stuck here all day?

Serenita

Oh, Claude, I wish I could go out – but Spirit is holding me back.

Claude

I wish I could understand what makes Spirit tick!

Serenita (flippantly)

How could you?

Claude

Ever make up your mind -- and just do something?

Serenita

All the time, Claude -- but not with big things like steppping out with you.

Claude (softly)

Think of it as a small thing then.  

Serenita

Oh, Claude!

Claude

Oh Serenita!  Off your high horse and escape to the real world with me!

An eager knock on the door.

Serenita

Claude!  What time does your little watch say?

Claude

Five o’clock –

Serenita

I have an appointment -- a soul seeking the light.

Claude

Who is the turkey?

Serenita

A client – someone who leans on me.

Claude

What about me?  I want to lean on you too! 

Serenita

Not tonight, Claude, not tonight – .

Claude

Why not tonight?

Serenita (warmly and confidently)  

I know you know the answer, Claude.

Claude

Well, what is it? (sharply)

Serenita

Spirit told me!

Claude

You know what I have to say to Spirit?

Serenita

What?

Claude

Fuck ‘im!

Lights out suddenly.   Then on after a few seconds for the ninth and last scene.

Scene 9

The Borderline

Claude and Mara are blissfully wrapped in each other’s arms on a divan draped with exotic scarves and pillows, Mara resting her head in a posture of pathetic surrender and dramatic joy on Claude’s chest.   Claude, leaning back, is gazing upward with a gaze of near astonishment but not without nervous, flickering movements in his eyes.

Mara

I feel like I’ve been on a long line – going through a turnstile – behind me I can see them (very passionately) . . . as far as the eye can see, Claude.

Claude

Who? Who can you see, Mara? 

Mara

The people, Claude – all the people who want love, who need love – over and over they go, they try, they hope –  . . . most of them don’t make it . . . and then they have to start all over again.

Claude

That’s a sad vision, Mara – is that what you really see?

Mara

Of course I do – I was there – look! Claude!  Look! (she points far in the distance)

Claude (follows her finger with his eyes)

What?  I don’t see anything!

Mara

It’s me!  There I am!  I’m on the line!  See?  Way at the end?

Claude

Ah, I do (smiles) . . . now I see (turns toward Mara).

Mara

It’s me on line, looking for love.  See how I look?

Claude

No, how do you look?

Mara

How do you look when your looking for love?  Sad, hungry . . .

Claude

Yes, Mara, now I see, now I see.

Mara (turns toward Claude suddenly, dramatically throws herself in his arms)

But then we found each other.  And the ache was over.  And no more tears.

Claude

Yes, it did happen very suddenly (smiling and fondling her).  Here we are!  I’m in a daze.  It feels like I’ve known you all my life.

Mara

Before your life (Mara looks up sharply).

Claude (hesitant)

Well . . .

Mara

Before we were born.

Claude

Do you really believe that?

Mara

You doubt me?

Claude

No, Mara, I don’t doubt you – but before we were born?

Mara

Kismet, it’s called kismet.

Claude

Was that a Broadway musical?

Mara (pause, and gets up suddenly)

Are you making fun of kismet?

Claude

I don’t know what kismet is.

Mara

Look in the dictionary.

Claude

Now?

Mara

‘Fate’ is what it means – you don’t believe in fate? – I mean, you might die this afternoon – that would be kismet (laughs weirdly).

Claude (stands up and walks around, as though pondering whether to say something)

You know, Mara, funny you should mention dying . . .

Mara

Funny?

Claude

I keep noticing something.  Death always pops up when you talk! (grins)

Mara (stunned)

Me?  Talk about death?

Claude

All the time.

Mara (shrug)

Well?

Claude

Doesn’t matter, Mara -- it’s the little things that are wonderful.

Mara

What do you mean?

Claude

Like maybe shopping together.

Mara

You want to go shopping?

Claude

Actually, I need to buy a pair of jeans and maybe a shirt – help me shop – it’ll be romantic.

Mara