Consciousness, Literature and the Arts
Archive
Volume 11 Number 1, April 2010
___________________________________________________________________
Rejected
In Nine Scenes
By
Characters
Claude or Everyguy
Angelo, his guardian angel
Nine Women, played (perhaps) by one Woman
Place & Time, Now in Charlottesville, USA
Prologue
Angelo
Some people have a hard time learning --
Take the sad case of Claude or Everyguy.
Watch him get rejected in nine scenes,
Each ending with the same goodbye!
I would if I could help the guy out --
I should say I am his guardian angel --
Friend, inner helper, genius, ally.
I’ve tried to post advice as best I could,
But the fellow has a head of wood,
And to tell the truth, I doubt I can
Help this foolish stubborn man.
Life and love are too chaotic
To predict, like a nervous tic --
Ho! Here comes Claude – about to meet a lady –
Watch how he puts his foot into it --
Is he unlucky or just a screw-up?
Scene 1
The Smile
Claude, thirties, not sharply dressed, slow in manner, look of being coiled up, and a Woman, same age bracket, but spiffily attired, jaunty, pretty in a common way. The two people, strangers to each other, cross paths on a city street. Just as they pass the Woman looks at the man and smiles at him. This prompts the man to stop in his tracks, and without smiling, looks at the Woman.
Claude
You smiled?
Woman
(Pauses, glances at him, says nothing.)
Claude
You did smile?
Woman
Uh . . .(perplexed) yes, I smiled (she smiles again).
Claude
Oh, I thought you’d deny it.
Woman
Deny it? Why would I deny it?
Claude
I don’t mean deny -- maybe not own up to?
Woman
Own up? Did I do something wrong?
Claude (reaches toward her reassuringly.)
Oh, no, no, no – nothing wrong!
Woman
I’m relieved.
Claude
You admit then . . . you did smile at me?
Woman
I did smile at you (starts to walk away)
Claude
Please! Wait! I don’t mean to annoy. Help me out!
Woman
(Pausing, looks at Claude who borders on handsome, her face showing signs of amusement)
Well, how may I help you?
Claude
(Taken aback at the bluntness of the question, stares with some surprise at the Woman, remains tongue-tied for several seconds, then blurts out)
Why? (emphatically)
Woman
Why what?
Claude
Why smile at me?
Woman
Why? I don’t know! Do I have to give a reason? I don’t know why I do half the things I do. I just do them!
Claude
You just do them? You go through life without knowing why? Is that how you live?
Woman
I don’t know whether to laugh at you or call the cops!
Claude
Did you smile at everybody you saw today?
Woman
What kind of a questi. . .
Claude
I’m trying to find out something. Do you smile at everybody you pass in the street?
Woman
Of course not! What a question! You think I’m a robot?
Claude
No, no, not at all – not a robot. But I want to know, I need to know . . .
Woman (assuming an exaggerated pose of impatience)
Well, out with it – I’m dying to find out.
Claude (stares at Woman and says nothing)
Woman
Hurry up, please, I don’t have all day!
Claude
Well, if you don’t smile at everybody, it proves my point. It proves I’m not crazy. Get what I mean?
Woman
No! I don’t get it at all!
Claude
Simple. (Looks very satisfied.) You’re not programmed to smile all the time at everybody – so when you smiled at me – you smiled at me.
Woman
Yes, true, and so . . .
Claude
You selected me, aimed your smile at me. Thousands of people you don’t smile at. Gotta be a reason you smiled at me!
Woman
And so?
Claude
And so -- what was the reason?
Woman (looking dumbfounded and shaking her head)
Why did I smile – at you? You wanna know?
Claude
I do.
Woman
I have to go! (starts to walk away, lowers her head, looks annoyed)
Claude
Please don’t! (pause) Don’t you see? Can’t you feel? The mystery? The human smile – so intimate – the look in your eye . . . stopped me – it penetrated me. Eye to eye, soul to soul, the glance, the searching eye – so I had to ask, Why me?
Woman
Oh, that’s sweet, that’s nice . . . that’s very nice . . . but you see . . .there are many reasons why I, why anyone, might smile at a stranger. Me, oh me, it could be anything. I smile at old women, because I admire them, because I love their dignity, because . . . well, there are many reasons – I smile at children – I smile at people with little dogs – I smile at someone who seems on the verge of smiling at me. . .(slowly, more thoughtfully) so you see, there are all sorts of reasons. Take it as it comes, like nice weather.
Claude
Good advice, Miss, very good. I’ll remember what you said. When it rains I’ll think of your smile.
Woman (lowering her head, Claude gazing at her)
I really do have to leave. It’s getting late.
Claude
Before you go, Miss – just one more thing -- you explained about the old ladies and the folks with little dogs – but not about me. You still haven’t said why you smiled at me. Answer me and I’ll say goodbye – I’m just a curious man – is it asking too much? If . . . if I could know (pause) . . . it would make my day.
Woman
Why make so much out of so little?
Claude
It’s how I make life interesting.
Woman
Thoughts you weave about my smiling at you (incredulous)? Get a life, mister! (Pause.)
Why did I smile at you? Do you really want to know?
Claude
I really do . . .
Woman
Then I’ll tell you – I did associate you with . . . something.
Claude (quickly)
So there was a reason you smiled at me. It wasn’t just a fluke – it had meaning!
Woman
It did have meaning.
Claude
So! (pleased with himself) Was I right or was I right?
Woman
You were right about one thing. There was a reason I smiled at you. But it wasn’t what you imagined. Sure you want to know?
Claude
Sure I’m sure (smile vanishing).
Woman
The meaning of my smile . . . was this. . .
Claude (affecting a brave pose)
Maybe you should stop! I’ll fill in the rest!
Woman
You asked me why, now I’m telling. Is that okay?
Claude
Sure it’ okay. Why shouldn’t it be okay?
Woman
You never can tell! But if you want, I’ll tell you.
Claude
Like I said, it makes life interesting.
Woman
I hope this makes your life interesting. When I glanced up – and looked at you -- you reminded me of my last boyfriend.
Claude (face lights up)
I knew it!
Woman
Hold on!
Claude (animated)
Your smile did have meaning!
Woman
Will you let me finish?
Claude
There’s more?
Woman
Yes, there’s more. Then I have to leave. I absolutely must leave.
Claude
Okay.
Woman
Very good. My last boyfriend. You did -- you reminded me of him. You had a sad, slumped-over look that reminded me of him -- the look of a downbeat, a deadbeat.
Claude (face drops, mouth open)
Oh . . .
Woman
You did remind me of him – and you reminded me of how happy I was – to be rid of him!
Claude (totally changed expression)
I did?
Woman
You did. That’s why I smiled -- the happiness of knowing I’d never have to look at the creep again. So now you know. Have a nice day. (Exits jauntily; he lingers, droops, stares into space.)
Lights down . . . and up
Scene 2
The Dinner
Claude and Elena sitting at a table in a restaurant. Elena has a hungry, predatory look. Plates picked clean. Two wine glasses almost empty.
Claude (smiling optimistically)
Well, Elena – I liked the food. This should cover it (leaves money). And you?
Elena (looking out the window, then at her wrist watch) Me? What?
Claude
The food.
Elena (looking up)
It was fine. I think my watch is slow. What time is it?
Claude (looks at his hands)
Oops! No watch – sorry.
Elena
Well, you’re no help (slight edge).
Claude
Sorry (pause). I hope dinner was okay.
Elena
I said so before. A little cold, the meat was tough . . .
Claude
And I hope what I said was helpful (peers up at her impassive face).
Elena (shakes her head, annoyed) Oh, I don’t know. What you said. Don’t let it get me down. Don’t rush to make a decision. I knew all that. But I appreciate your time.
Claude
Oh, I have time.
Elena
I don’t, Claude (smiling with indifference)
Claude
You could make money with your rare stamps.
Elena
I could? Really?
Claude
Time, takes time to learn the ropes. The Bolivian stamps might be worth a lot. Check it out! Research -- I can help you!
Elena (pause)
Well, Claude, it’s getting late.
Claude
(Surprised, disappointed) Late?
Elena
Yes, late!
Claude
It’s not late. Look! You didn’t finish your drink! The night is young – it’s . . . it’s . . . early.
Elena(amused)
I guess it is.
Claude
Well, then?
Elena
I have plans . . . (looks at watch again) . . .
Claude
You hardly asked about the really rare stamps.
Elena
You told me all I need to know.
Claude
You mean about your three 1920 Bolivean stamps?
Elena
Yes, that was it, Claude – and I thank you.
Claude
Bolivean stamps? That was it? You wanted to know about Bolivean stamps?
Elena (peers sharply at him)
But Claude -- you were very helpful!
Claude
I was? I can’t remember what I said. Tell me what I said.
Elena
Does it matter?
Claude
I’d like to know. (Still ruminating.) Stamps? Your only reason for coming out to dinner with me?
Elena
Why Claude! Bolivean stamps are a big thing!
Claude (incredulous) If they are, I have an idea.
Elena
What are you talking about?
Claude
If you mean what you said – do you?
Elena
I’m losing you.
Claude
If Bolivean stamps are a big thing (pauses) . . . I know a place we can go for dessert.
Elena (smiling)
I’m sure you do!
Claude
This place (excited) . . . the peach flan and the best Puerto Rican coffee. . .
Elena
Claude (matter of fact). I have to leave. No kidding. I have an appointment (looks at watch) – just about . . .
Claude (forced smile)
Oh, sorry. . . I . . . I thought . . .
Elena (still fiddling with her not fully drained wineglass)
I really do have to go somewhere.
Claude
Sure, but I thought . . . I thought having dinner meant an evening. Was that weird?
Elena
Ha! An evening! You expected an evening?
Claude (bashfully)
You know what I mean . . . a little time together.
Elena (smirking a little)
What else did you expect, Claude?
Claude
Expect?
Elena
Hoped would happen.
Claude
Nothing. You make it sound like . . .
Elena (smirking some more and twisting her torso coyly)
Sounds like you did!
Claude
Did what? What did I do?
Elena
You had a plan. What were you thinking? Hoping for a home run?
Claude
Home run? (incredulous) That’s your thought. I was thinking about first base.
Elena (accusingly)
So you did have intentions –.
Claude
No! No! Elena!
Elena
You just said so, Clive!
Claude
Claude! Claude!
Elena
Claude! Yu expected an evening!
Claude
What I meant . . . if we had dinner . . . the time right after dinner . . . would be open . . .
Elena
Open?
Claude
Yes, I didn’t think you’d be racing away after the last mouthful . . .
Elena
Am I racing? All I said: I have an appointment . . . I’m not racing . . .(defensive)
Claude (indignant)
You had an appointment with me!
Elena
I did. It’s over now.
Claude
Looks that way (digusted).
Elena
We had a nice meal.
Claude
That’s all the time you can spare? (slight whine)
Elena
I said it was a nice meal. I thank you for the information about Bolivean stamps (gradually raising her voice). Now I have to leave – in fact, I’m already late.
Claude (sarcastically)
I apologize for your delay!
Elena (snaps)
Well, I’ll be – he’s mad!
Claude
I’m not mad! (raises his voice)
Elena
You raised your voice! That proves you’re mad.
Claude
You’re making me mad!
Elena
Sorry, Claude. (Gets up from table.) So very sorry! (angrily) You shouldn’t expect too much from people. You know, people are people. People have a right to do what they want to do. You should understand!
Claude
I understand but . . .
Elena
Sorry, Claude, I didn’t mean to disappoint your plans! (exits)
Claude sits at the table, staring at the empty seat for several seconds, recounts the money left for the bill. Enter Angelo.
Angelo
Just thought I’d drop by, Claude,
And see how you’re doing.
What’s wrong, you look bored,
As if you’ve been tossed around --
I’ll bet it was that sandy blonde.
Claude (barely paying attention)
I meant well, but I got the short end --
And anyway, what’s it to you, dude?
Angelo
Come on! How’s your love life, Claude?
I’ve been spying on you, I admit.
Claude (staring into space)
My love life is in the doghouse
Somewhere between the pits & the shits.
Angelo
Claude! Claude! You can moan and you can sigh,
But face it: you are Everyguy.
All guys and all girls must complain –
You give each other such a pain!
But there are deep reasons for this –
To you, of course,
Hard to elucidate,
Ridiculous to explain –
But tuck this inside your skull –
You’re a pawn in a chess game.
A selfish gene in a big pool --
In other words, love’s fool.
Lights down – in a few seconds, up. Claude is sitting in a car being driven by a prim blonde called Desiree. A scenic drive through the Blue Ridge Mountains.
Scene 3
The Outraged
Claude
Desiree, nice of you to make lunch – and such healthy stuff! Nice to do all the driving – and such a scenic route (gazing out, makes a grand gesture). I’m having fun.
Desiree
So am I, Claude.
Claude
DesirAY? Am I pronouncing your name right? As in lay or today?
Desiree
Oh yes, that’s how I like it -- (turns head sharply to look out the window). See that blue ridge? A beauty! I saw it!
Claude
It was beautiful (turns his head). Now it’s gone!
Desiree
I’m glad you thought of taking a scenic ride together. Autumn in the Blue Ridge Mountains. You know, Claude (she turns furtively toward him).
Claude
Yes, Desiree.
Desiree
I really appreciate somebody who appreciates . . .
Claude (eagerly)
Yes?
Desiree
Things. Know what I mean? Just appreciates things.
Claude
I know what you mean.
Desiree
You may, but I doubt it (pause). You see . . . I know what it’s like not to be appreciated (laughs and shakes her head).
Claude
Well, Desiree (smiles sheepishly) . . . I appreciate you.
Desiree
Thank you, Claude, I like being appreciated by you.
Claude
I appreciate that, too.
Desiree
So Claude . . . when did you say you split with your . . . wife?
Claude
Not too long ago – seems like forever. It’s over – over and out! (snickers)
Desiree
Less than six months?
Claude
Ah, now let me see (looks up, counting mentally) – around that. But like I said – done! I finally said it! ‘I can check it off.’
Desiree
Same with me, Claude, -- ‘check it off’ – one way to put it. I had it with the guy I married.
Claude
Isn’t this a meaningful co-incidence?
Desiree
What, Claude?
Claude
We both ‘checked it off’ – and like the feeling. The free . . .
Desiree (flash of panic in her face)
Free?
Claude (stunned by her change)
Yes, free . . . like, free to jump in your car and go for a drive like this --
Desiree
Yes –
Claude
Free to do what we want – go where we want --
Desiree (sightly alarmed, pauses, then chirps)
But I have to go to work tomorrow!
Claude
Of course, Desiree!
Desiree (regains her composure)
You know, Claude, you wouldn’t believe it -- I mean about my husband.
Claude
Is that so?
Desiree
You wouldn’t! I’ll tell you one thing –
Claude
Just one?
Desiree (loudly with hint of fury)
I was his slave!
Claude
Eyes on the road! (slight panic)
Desiree
Sorry! I get mad when I think of him! It’s the only time I get mad.
Pause for a while as they ride and stare at the passing landscape.
Claude
Desiree, I can see why. Don’t sound like a nice guy at all. (Silence) Was the pie homemade too?
Desiree
It’s one thing I’m good at. Baking apple pie. I have to say – it’s very frustrating.
Claude
What?
Desiree
Not being appreciated.
Claude
Still thinking about the bad hubby?
Desiree
I was thinking about my job, all my good suggestions. Nobody listens.! Next day they do what I said – but without thanks!
Claude
It’s their loss, Desiree. They’re not big enough – in here (points to his heart).
Desiree (mutters)
You lose heart when you’re not appreciated.
Claude (reaches out and touches her arm)
Hang out with people who appreciate you. (She smiles back but doesn’t touch him back.)
Desiree (turning toward Claude)
Claude, it’s amazing – the things you find out. . .
Claude
I agree – I keep finding out things . . . I like finding out . . .
Desiree (interrupting)
Then you’re going to like this.
Claude
I am?
Desiree
Claude, is a woman supposed to enjoy sex?
Claude(laughs and looks at her amazed)
You joking?
Desiree
Not a joke, Claude! Is a woman supposed to enjoy sex? Answer me!
Claude(immediately, enthusiastically)
Of course, Desiree! Yes, yes, absolutely yes!
Desiree
I’m glad to hear you say that, Claude.
Claude
I’ll say it again!
Desiree
My ex husband would disagree!
Claude
But why? That would be crazy, stupid!
Desiree
And not only my husband.
Claude
Whadya mean?
Desiree
I got the same message from my dad. Claude, it’s a powerful thing – having a father. I learned to think like him. I was just a baby-making machine. (Suddenly points at the passing landscape.) See that? Beautiful! (Resuming.) Both of them! Father and husband. I got talked down (again, her head twists around) Claude, you missed it -- that sign -- ‘Hot Springs Retreat.’
Claude
Eh! Sounds, well, pretty . . . hot.
Desiree(pause)
Yes, the springs are very hot – but so relaxing. I wish I had the cash reserves. What I wouldn’t do for a weekend at the spa!
Claude
Is it costly, Desiree?
Desiree
I don’t have the time – or the money – (wistfully) A whole weekend . . . .
Claude
Team up with a friend – share a room – save money. (Long pause, a few ahs from both gazing at landscape.) And by the way, Desiree – you really were brainwashed! (Pause.) . . . I wanted to ask you something.
Desiree
Go ahead, Claude.
Claude
Did you really never wonder it they were right?
Desiree
Right?
Claude
Did you really need to be told you could enjoy sex?
Desiree
Why Claude? (affecting astonishment)
Claude
You must have . . . I mean . . . didn’t you ever discover your own – what’s that word? . . . . zones.
Desiree
Claude, you’re quite the inquisitor! (smiling dryly)
Claude (not sure of her look)
The pursuit of sexual happiness. Thomas Jefferson would say it’s okay.
Desiree (glancing away)
I’m sure he would. Have you been to Monticello?
Claude
I have. And did you know three feet of snow fell on Jefferson’s wedding night in Monticello? Pretty romantic, don’t you think?
Desiree
Not really, his slaves would have to dig him out in the morning. Why do you keep scratching your ear?
Claude
Say the word and I’ll slice it off for you!
Desiree
Claude, such violent thoughts!
Claude
Not really, Desiree – . I was thinking . . .
Desiree (cautious)
Thinking? What were you thinking?
Claude
The Hot Springs Retreat. (Pause.) What fun to go there some time – a visit, a weekend visit.
Desiree
Would it, Claude? Would it be fun?
Claude
You said you couldn’t afford it, but . . .
Desiree
I can’t afford the treats. Money’s tight.
Claude
I say you deserve a treat! And soon . . . at the Hot Springs . . .
Desiree
What are you trying to say? (perturbed)
Claude
It’s unbelievably simple, Desiree! We combine our resources – the road, Desiree! (sudden swerve).
Desiree
Combine them, Claude? For what purpose?
Claude
The Hot Springs Retreat – the place we passed . . .
Desiree
Claude, you’re not saying that . . .
Claude
Say? What say? Do! I want to do (grinning good naturedly). And I want to do with you!
Desiree
But Claude, there’s something you don’t understand . . .
Claude
The Hot Springs Retreat -- am I a dummy? Or is this a great idea?
Desiree
Great? I . . . I don’t know.
Claude
And think of the benefits!
Desiree
What’s that, Claude?
Claude (smiling, opens his arms)
Each other’s company. (Desiree hits the brakes) Hey! (yowls)
Desiree (looks away from Claude, stares rigidly at the road ahead. Prolonged silence.)
Claude (head turns)
See that! Seven miles to Damascus! Boy, I love the names of these little towns. Desiree! (looks at her carefully) You OK? Why so quiet. Did I say something wrong? Like my idea about the Retreat?
Desiree (turns sharply toward him)
You know, Claude, you have a dirty mind (turns attention back to road).
Claude
I thought you liked me! What’s wrong with wanting something nice to happen -- between us?
Desiree (long pause, hits the break, slows up)
Claude, I’m going to drop you off now.
Claude
Drop me off? Right here? In the middle of nowhere?
Desiree
Yes, Claude – I am.
Claude
You must be out of your mind!
Desiree
Get ready, Claude. (Pointing.) Just down the road -- there’s a turn off. You can hitch a ride to the Hot Springs Retreat. Happy trails! (steps out of car, and opens the door for Claude to exit. Claude exits the car. Desiree drives away, and Claude is left upstage, looking around, dazed. Then, a Voice.)
Angelo’s Voice
Hi there, Claude, it’s me again. I’ve been watching over your shoulder. I feel for you, buddy. And don’t worrry – I’m not about to ask: ‘How’s it going?’
Claude
Better not! (jumps to attention and looks around frantically) Hey! Who called me?
Angelo
I did, Claude.
Claude
You? Where are you?
Angelo
Don’t ask difficult questions.
Claude
Well, then, what are you?
Angelo
Your designated mentor. I’m trying to think of something to say. The moment I notice something go wrong, it’s too late. I hate to break the news -- I’m a lousy guardian angel.
Claude
Hey man, what are you talking about? Come out and show me your face!
Blackout, then lights again
Scene 4
The Insulted
Claude and Tina are standing by a bus stop.
Claude
Tina of Transylvania! Not sure I can handle it -- never knew there was a real Transylvania -- I thought it was a place in old vampire movies.
Tina (Stares intently at him; large black eyes, jet black hair that shoots out stiffly from her head; skin, fair, slightly rough; exposed biceps evincing pumping iron syndrome. ) I’m a recovering vampire! You are interested? (Slight Eastern European accent.)
Claude (smiles)
Oh, yes! (looks her up and down)
Tina
And think, a minute ago you perfect stranger.
Claude
And then I said – ‘hey there! Didn’t I just see you at the Celestial Birdhouse?’ And you said, ‘I saw you, too!’
Tina
So here we are, face to face (in a voice sure of itself, shakes her awesome head and hair, and looks at Claude with deep interest.)
Claude
What were you doing in the Birdhouse? Don’t tell me – I know – where else do they play space music and serve Himalayan icecream? I’m Claude (extends and they shake hands, with pause).
Tina
Pleased to meet you, Claude – my name you know – I’m the florist at the East end of town (hands her card to Claude who is staring, hypnotized by the intense-looking Tina.)
You should come to my shop. There is much interesting things to see. I work hard – I think you will like it. I like your belt – Claude? (reaches and touches his elaborate belt buckle) – it’s . . . what? Greek, maybe? (hands him another card) This one has my
home number.
Claude
Thank you. It would be nice . . . Tina,
Tina
Yes?
Claude
If we could go somewhere -- and talk. That would be fun, yes?
Tina
Yes, yes, it would, Claude – you’ll like my daughters – twins.
Claude
Twins! I’m sure I’d like them – and the father?
Tina (frowning)
No father, gone – whiii (makes a whirring sound and turns toward Claude, looking up at him with distracting intensity).
Claude (looks away)
How about tomorrow then?
Tina
I’d like to (continues to peer soulfully at Claude with her immense black eyes). But tomorrow – no (pause and musing). How about the day after tomorrow? Right here. We can go straight across the street (points) for breakfast.
Claude
What time?
Tina
Nine-thirty okay?
Claude (perkily)
Perfect!
Tina
How about ten-thirty?
Claude
More perfect (indestructible agreeableness).
Tina
Thanks, Claude, (slows up) I’m glad we met.
Claude
I’m glad, too. Mind if I say something?
Tina
No.
Claude
This is so easy – so magical – the way it ought to be (smiles with gratitude).
Tina (looks at him sympathetically) Here then day after tomorrow. Where did you say you worked?
Claude
I didn’t (smiles). I’ll tell you over breakfast (looks in the distance). That’s not my bus.
Tina
Bye, Claude.
Claude (smiles optimistically)
Till the day after tomorrow.
Lights out, few seconds dark, lights on, Claude back at the same spot two days later, pacing up and down, looking at his wrist watch and shaking his head in frustration. Stops.
Claude
I should have known
Too good to be true
That hair! Those eyes!
She broke the date!
I should have known
I would end up alone
On this corner
In this state!
How could she act like she meant it so?
And then just not show?
Well, I’ll wait around a little more,
Why, you say – and what for?
‘Cause I’m an ass, a fool, a bore!
Lights out and on.
Claude sitting at a chair with his cell phone in his hand. Dials. Gets Tina’s answering machine.
Tina’s Voice
Hello, you’ve reached Tina’s Fab Florist. Please leave a message.
Claude
Tina of Transylvania! Claude here! Hey! What happened? You didn’t show up! (Hangs up.)
Lights out, pause, then on.
Claude (sitting on chair with cell phone in hand)
Why am I so slow?
It won’t penetrate my skull!
Three days come and go --
No Tina, no telephone call.
Okay, gotta try once more
Before I walk out the door.
(Rings up Tina, new message on answering machine.)
Tina’s Voice
Message at the beep!
I’m out of town
At a conference on flowers.
Remember our motto:
Go green and plant deep.
It’s Save Our Flowers Week!
Claude (exasperated)
She changed her message! Save our flowers! How sensitive! But what about me? (lifts his phone to his mouth) Tina! Where were you? Here’s my message! Either you’re a narcissist, or a dummy, or you get your kicks psyching guys up and then trashing them – which is it, Tina of Transylvania? (clicks off his phone, puts it down on the seat of the chair, starts to walk around the chair, eyeing the phone suspiciously.)
Other side of the proscenium, Tina sitting on a chair, listening to the message on the speaker phone; immediately starts tapping the floor with her foot, with mounting ferocity. As Claude is walking circles round his chair and phone, Tina starts to walk around her chair, faster than Claude, suddenly lunges toward her phone, whips it to her ear, and dials. Claude immediately whips it up.
Tina
Hello, is it you? (loud and harsh) What nerve! (Exasperated.) You there? What nerve! (Claude pulls phone from his ear.) Who do you think you are? Get my kicks?
Claude
Calm down, Tina!
Tina
Dummy? You think me dummy? Psyching up? Who? What think you?
Claude
I think . . .
Tina
What? Since when? Did you know? Dummy me? I work hard. I raise my daughters.
Claude
I believe . . .
Tina
I am the best florist in town.
Claude
Hold it . . .
Tina
Everybody knows me! My orchids! They love my orchids. I . . .
Claude
I’m not denying any of that – all I . . .
Tina
Narcissist? What’s that supposed to mean? Calling me names! I expect apology! My whole family does!
Claude
Apologize for what? (Lowers his voice, calmly.) You owe me an apology!
Tina
You crazy? (makes threatening gesture with fists)
Claude
We had a date. I waited for you on the corner. You gave your word.
Tina
So what did you expect? (snickering with contempt.)
Claude
I expected . . .
Tina
You don’t know me – talk to me like that . . .???
Claude
You owe me . . .
Tina
Nothing!
Claude
An apology!
Tina
How? Who are you? Better than me?
Claude
You made a promise – you broke it –
Tina
Whole town knows who I am.
Claude (Pause, exasperated)
Well, then, Tina, you must be right – since everybody knows how wonderful you are!
Tina
Well! I’m waiting!
Claude
I’m really truly sorry I said you were vain, stupid, or morally defective. Is that what I said?
Tina
You’re telling me! And what’s the idea?
Claude
Well, I take it back, I do apologize. (Pause)
Tina (grimacing fiercely)
I’m waiting . . .
Claude
What I meant to say was: you are vain, stupid, and morally defective!
Lights down for a few seconds.
Scene 5
The Evasive
Lights on Claude, sitting on a bench in a park, contemplating a sycamore tree.
Claude (to the tree)
I wonder if it’s more fun being a tree than a man. Do you feel the sun? The rain?
Angelo enters from behind the tree, waving his hands, a frumpy little guy who talks with a New York accent)
Angelo
Sure, sure, I feel every molecule! Whadya think I am – a block of stone?
Claude
Hey, who are you?
Angelo
Okay, I’m not the tree – I’m your . . . guide, you know, guardian – we have met. Angelo is my name. I go back to your days in the East Bronx. There’s something I have to say about Vanessa.
Claude
Vanessa? You know about Vanessa? Angelo – are Italian? Mafioso? Cosa Nostra? Papal spy? Who sent you?
Angelo
I’m your friend.
Claude
I don’t know you (turns his back)
Angelo
You’re bursting with curiosity about Vanessa?
Claude
Hey! Who are you? How do you know about her?
Angelo
She left a message with the librarian. She heard about you and wants very badly to talk with you. Am I right, Claude?
Claude
You’re full of shit!
Angelo (serene and friendly)
Calm down, Claude.
Claude
You know my name! How come!
Angelo
I know a lot of things, Claude.
Claude
Are you a friend of Vanessa?
Angelo
Not at all. I’m your friend.
Claude
Then what about Vanessa? I have yet to see her – to meet her – but she wants to talk to me. At least that’s what I keep hearing.
Angelo
Any idea why? Because of your philateley? What is she like?
Claude
Evasive! She approaches then swerves away. A pattern repeats itself. I’m curious – that’s all. I’m not chasing her. No desire for her. But all the same, it feels as if she’s avoiding me.
Angelo
That is strange. Interesting, too. Am I correct?
Claude
I can’t help being drawn in -- . . .
Angelo
Can’t get her out of your mind. She’s a mystery. Is that it, Claude?
Claude (fiddling with his cell phone)
I’m curious -- I can’t help it . . .
Angelo
What’s with the cell phone?
Claude
I’m expecting a call from Vanessa.
Angelo
How long have you been waiting?
Claude
I don’t know – days, weeks. I sent a message back. ‘Vanessa,’ I said, ‘I’m willing to talk with you. And so, I got a message from a third person – Vanessa needs to talk with me. Now she says it’s urgent. Maybe today, I feel it . . .
Angelo
Today?
Claude
I had the feeling yesterday – and the day before.
Angelo (calmly)
You seem upset, Claude.
Claude
I expect to hear from her any minute. I’ll help her if I can, but she has to turn up – show her face – something.
Angelo
I couldn’t agree more.
Claude
Vanessa has me all worked up – and I haven’t even met her yet –
Angelo
How do you know she’s real?
Claude
I was minding my own business.
Angelo
I’m witness to that!
Claude
Suddenly I’m getting all these messages – a woman named Vanessa wants urgently to talk to me – okay, I say, I’m all ears. I respond. I put the word out – Vanessa! Whoever you are – feel free to contact me in any way you wish! By phone! By email! By post office! (Pause.) I provide all contact information. And then?
Angelo
You tell me, Sir!
Claude
Nothing! You would expect something!
Angelo
So why even bother?
Claude
She evades all contact but also refuses to leave me alone.
Angelo
Will she ever reveal herself? What do you think?
Claude
She’s waiting for the perfect moment. I can feel it! Contact! Revelation! And I’ll be there for her, I’ll . . .
Angelo (gazing into space)
Listen to me, Claude -- be open to something . . . else.
Claude
Angelo, something is going to happen.
Angelo (cocks his ear)
Claude, you’re right. The phone’s going to ring in seconds – prepare for Vanessa (the phone rings).
Claude
I’ll let it ring a few times. Go ahead. Ring. (finally clicks on the phone) Hello! . . . Hello! (To Angelo, whispers) It must be Vanessa – hold it – I’ll plug this into the speaker phone. Vanessa? Is that you?
Vanessa (pause)
Ugva . . nnss
Claude
What was that? Vanessa? Is that you? Yes or no?
Vanessa
Ugyass! Ugyass!
Claude
Is that a yes?
Vanessa
Ugyass.
Claude
So it is you! Vanessa, is this really you. (Soft gurgling from V..) Vanessa? I can’t make out what you’re saying. You sound congested? Are you congested? (To Angelo) Sounds congested! I wonder why she called today? (Back to phone.) Vanessa! Is everything alright? Can you talk clearer?
Vanessa (high pitched and soft, almost inaudible)
Ulltryansable! Wraat! Okirreeoo??
Claude
You must really be sick!
Vanessa
Ugyass!
Claude
So anyway I’m glad we finally connected . . . I heard from several parties that you wanted to talk with me – yes?
Vanessa
Gyasson! (very excited)
Claude
Come again!!
Vanessa (aspirating)
Asson! Asson!
Claude
I can’t make it out – stop! Vanessa? Will you listen for a moment. Please. First, I want you to know that whatever the problem is . . . I want to hear about it . . .and I want to help. But maybe we should wait . . .
Vanessa
Ughroomie! Ughboomie! (pleadingly)
Claude
I’m sorry, Vanessa. I’m trying; but I can’t quite make out what you’re saying –
come to think of it – can I ask you a question? Don’t answer! Just listen. I’m curious. Whydya call me today? Why right now? Just at a time when you’re so . . . congested! . You don’t even sound human! (Raising his voice, restraining the edge) Why of all days call me ughboomie today?
Vanessa
Idontdy – (she sneezes) hchewww!!
Claude
I have no idea what you want from me, but people keep saying you want to meet me. I guess there’s something to it after all!
Vanessa
Yameyeyam! Neerie!
Claude
Are you doing this on purpose? Are you bullshiting me?
Vanessa
Assoni! Assoni! (coughs violently and loudly)
Claude
That’s enough – I think it’s time to end this phone call – and if you don’t mind – don’t call again.
Vanessa (With finality)
Ughboomie!
(Disconnects phone) Jesus, Angelo! Did you hear that? Hey, wheredju go? (Angelo exits behind the Tree of Knowledge.
Lights down
Interlude
Angelo (pacing up and down front-stage)
What an unlucky dude, our Claude – our Everyguy.
Gets the same results, no matter how hard he try.
Can’t even get to first base
He’s not even – come to think of it! – in the race.
Can you imagine how he must feel?
How it chips away his sense of being real?
What can we do to soften his poor state?
What can we try to ameliorate his fate?
Let’s concentrate on Claude’s love success
And imagine for him some happiness.
We can play God with his life and soul
And weave his parts and sew him whole.
No guarantees though, this is tricky stuff –
Try as you may might not be enough.
Scene 6
The Married
A street at a corner. A tree with bare branches and a small bench under it. Lights come up: Claude emerges lackadasically at one end of the stage, head down, hands swinging gently.
Angelo’s Voice
Claude! Claude! Pay attention!
Claude (looks around)
You again! What do you want now?
Angelo
Look alert! Brace yourself!
Claude looks up, and as he does the Married Woman enters at opposite end of stage. The minute she sees Claude, picks up her pace, opens and extends her arms, and charges toward him. They meet mid-stage and she warmly embraces Claude, hugging, breast to chest, squeezing him firmly several times from his lower back.
Claude
Marion! You sure know how to say hello! I really felt it – thanks!
Marion
It’s good to say hello – like you mean it (smiling dreamily). It’s like gardening!
Claude
Gardening?
Marion
Feels good to water your garden freely – makes you feel free . . .
Claude
Okay! (pause) I think I get it.
Marion
I’m glad you do, Claude.
Claude
Yes, and lunch was good last week. I really enjoyed it. Still, I walked away feeling a little unsatisfied.
Marion
Something wrong with Thai cuisine?
Claude
No, the cuisine was fine. But I kept wondering about – your husband. Is he still? Or how long? (pause) Marion, sit down (points to bench; they sit down and look around). It doesn’t matter – right? About your marital status – but I thought – when you said – and we stood there (pause) – you know what I mean?
Marion
No, Claude . . . –
Claude
It doesn’t matter – but I mean, are you? What’s going on? Sorry -- I’m a curious guy!
Marion
Harold and I have an understanding – if I want to go somewhere, I go. So that’s the idea – (smiles) I’ve got my own life to live now. Now I want to be me. It’s been a long time.
Claude
Of course, I understand – I think. What you say is interesting. I would like to live my own life too. Be at one with myself. Breathe life in – (takes a deep breath). Yes! I like your ideas.
Marion
You should be able to tell one thing.
Claude
What’s that, Marian? (leans toward her on the bench)
Marion
I’m trying to get better . . .
Claude
At?
Marion
At? At living. At breathing, tasting, feeling . . . (with passionate gestures)
Claude (getting turned on)
I guess I’m trying for the same thing (reaches out and lightly touches her arm; she responds warmly). So, you know, I was thinking, . . .
Marion
You understand what interests me, Claude.
Claude
I think I do. I think I do. Marion?
Marion
Yes Claude.
Claude
I have an idea.
Marion (not smiling)
That could be dangerous.
Claude
Why let yourself be frightened?
Marion
You might be right, Claude (smiles, slight hesitation).
Claude
Let’s go driving in the Blue Ridge Mountains – we could have a picnic – admire the falling leaves.
Marion
I love the Blue Ridge Mountains, especially in October.
Claude
Isn’t that a coincidence? We’re in October.
Marion
October is my favorite month.
Claude
Mine too (pause). Well, Marion?
Marion
The conclusion?
Claude
Yes, Marion, let’s do it! How about this weekend?
Marion (unhesitatingly, blandly)
Oh, no – that won’t be possible.
Claude
Well, then, during the week – next weekend – you name it!
Marion (getting serious, pause)
It’s a little hard to say exactly when . . .
Claude (stymied)
Oh!
Marion
You do understand.
Claude (hesitant)
I do. Of course.
Marion
What did you think?
Claude
Marion, I thought . . .
Marion
What?
Claude
I thought I heard you use words that meant you were . . . separating , in other words splitting from your husband. I thought this meant something. I thought you were telling me something.
Marion
Not really.
Claude
I thought you were telling me you were free –
Marion
I said I enjoy listening to you talk about me – . . .
Claude
What about the way you greeted me?
Marion
You mean . . .?
Claude
I mean your pelvis spoke volumes!
Marion (laughs out loud)
That’s just how I am! That’s just me. I’m a touchy-feely-huggy lady!
Claude
And the Blue Ridge Mountains?
Marion
Beautiful!
Claude
I mean, what about our trip there. What better place to practice being, breathing, LIVING! All that good stuff you want to do. What are you beating around the bush for? Why are playing games with me? Let’s just go! To the mountains! There we’ll be free!
Marion (perfunctory)
Claude, it’s not a bad idea.
Claude
So we agree! (mock jubilant)
Marion
You’re forgetting something, Claude. I hate to have to remind you.
Claude
What am I forgetting? You haven’t answered my question yet? !! (a little carried away by his feelings).
Marion
I still am . . . you know . . .
Claude (with earnest and naïve passion, advancing toward Marion who recoils gracefully)
Available! Open! Eager! Hot and ready!
Marion (loudly)
Married!
Lights down, switch to
Scene 7
The Artiste
Claude is standing before a tiny one person gallery called Dedaela. In the window is a photograph of an enlarged area of a human hand with a swollen mosquito bite. Beside it is hung a similarly framed photo of a human buttock with the characteristic bull’s-eye mark of a deer tic bite. Both photos were encased in thick black frames about twenty by sixteen inches. Claude, moved by his curiosity, steps inside; an attractive woman – the Artiste -- wearing native American jewelry and a low cut red blouse greets him. She smiles broadly.
Artiste
Come in – have a look around. Questions? Ask.
Claude (looks around; the walls are covered with carefully framed photographs of various skin disorders and conditions, some of them under high magnification, but all treated with respect for lighting and composition.)
Claude
Thank you, I will – I was admiring your Lime disease photographs – got my attention!
Artiste
Thank you, I came to them by chance. But look – don’t talk! I mean, first look (smiling and shrugging).
Claude walks around the little gallery silently, pausing before each artwork.
Claude
I’m startled by . . . the originality.
Artiste
Thanks. You’re very kind. I’ve been working at it for fifteen years. I mean, for fifteen years it was my passion – but I had to stick to my day job. Now (looks around, waves her hand) I’ve got my own shop.
Claude
Congratulations!
Artiste
It was hard work. But I made it. (serious note, looking at him) So what about the photos? . . . ?
Claude
The idea of making art out of skin . . . screw ups . . . is pretty cool.
Artiste
I used to work for a dermatologist. I had to deal with photographs of all kinds of skin eruptions and growths. My first was a Lime disease beauty. Shot it from different angles, enlarged and and changed the lighting. Went on my own. You know how I got ahead? Ask! Ask your friends! Any pimples, warts, moles? Can I see your birth marks? (Pause.) Now and then I sold one – a lot depends on the frame.
Claude
I believe you about the frames.
Artiste
So what do you do?
Claude
Work for the government – I’m a surveyor. It’s a little known government project. Ever since the new Oslamma Administration.
Artiste
Well, what is it? What’s it called?
Claude
I’m afraid I can’t give out that information.
Artiste
What do you survey?
Claude
Atmospheres – all kinds of atmospheres.
Artiste
Atmospheres? What do you mean? How do you do that?
Claude
It’s partly intuitive, partly scientific – guess what?
Artiste
Yeah?
Claude
I’m surveying your gallery – what’s it called?
Artiste
Dermographics Unlimited.
Claude
Are you listed?
Artiste
Listed? Sure I’m listed! (shaking her head) I’ve never heard of your line of work.
Claude
I’m just a regular guy. Modern art! (makes a gesture of incomprehension). Mind if I sit down? (he sits)
Artiste
Know much about psychosomatics?
Claude
Nope.
Artiste
The skin . . . the skin is pychosomatic (touches her face with both hands and then reaches toward Claude’s face but stops short).
Claude (incredulous)
What do you mean?
Artiste
We break out if we’re upset – right? Skin is weird, skin is a great artiste!
Claude
Really? I like your sense of color – (staring at her cleavage, getting hypnotized). When you said ‘skin’, I thought of your red top against your tan skin. (points) You a tan parlor lady?
Artiste
No, I’m naturally tan. You asked about my art. Skin is my medium. Skin is better than paper, better than canvas. Think of it this way. You blush and the color just appears in your cheeks. What kind of paper can do that? You sit around and let time go by and your skin changes, wrinkles, cracks, sags. Can I tell you something?
Claude
How could I say no?
Artiste
I’m not worried about withering into an old hag! I’ll photograph myself!
Claude (gasping with amazement)
Wow, you must really love what you do -- .
Artiste
It’s all in the skin. So expressive.
Claude
So true! Your photos! I mean, look at this! And this! (pointing) And this! Far out.
Artiste
Thank you. I could never think of what to say after I magnified somebody’s boil and made a photograph of it. So where are you from?
Claude
Oh, not far – (happier, bouyant) But . . .what I started to say – what you’re doing – it’s . . . it’s . . .
Artiste (starting to turn away)
Go ahead, please! I can’t wait to hear!
Claude (sincerely)
It’s amazing what you do! Out of something ugly -- a pimple -- you create beauty!
Artiste
We’re on the same page there.
Claude
I guess we are, I guess we are (can’t take his eyes off the Artiste’s proudly expressive chest).
Artiste
Maybe you could help me with a slogan to sell my work.
Claude
You mean, like “From Boil to Beauty” or “The Happiness of Herpes.”
Artiste
Keep trying . . .
Claude
Before I leave, take my card.
Artiste
Hmm, I am impressed -- Regional Assessor of Atmospheric Anomalies.
Claude
Maybe we could have coffee or something sometime.
Artiste (hesitates, suddenly looks glum and tight)
Well . . . maybe . . . maybe . . . but I should be clear . . .
Claude
No big deal.
Artiste
I must be clear; you have to know. I don’t want any confusion.
Claude
I’m not confused.
Artiste
We have to know the difference.
Claude
The difference?
Artiste (solemn)
You say that; but I don’t want any problems. I’ve been working hard to get where I am. See what I mean?
Claude
Oh, believe me, I wasn’t looking for trouble.
Artiste (musing intently)
Couldn’t risk it. (louder) I won’t risk it!
Claude
Never!
Artiste
I’ll call you, I got your card. I loved your take on my pimple portraits, my wart compositions. I was disappointed by one thing.
Claude
What was that?
Artiste
You missed my squamous moles.
Claude
How could I?
Artiste
Getting late now. I have work to do (smiles and looks away from Claude.
Lights down. Long pause.
Scene 8
The Divine
Light on Claude sitting cross-legged in Sernenita’s private sanctuary; there are symbols and artifacts evoking various goddesses. A burning stick of incense.
Claude
Say it again, Serenita.
Serenita
It’s true – you are the kind of man – the type – I could run off with. I don’t mind if I tell you. You know I’m not conventional.
Claude
Yes, I can vouch for that.
Serenita
So now that you know (smilng coyly), don’t tempt me.
Claude
But how can I deny the man in me?
Serenita
Man is something to be surpassed.
Claude
By what?
Serenita
The divine.
Claude (pause, admiring the frail luminous beauty of long-haired Serenita)
I don’t really know what you’re talking about. But there’s something about you I can’t put it into words.
Serenita
Try, Claude (smiling) – you can do it.
Claude
Thanks for the encouragement. There really is something spiritual about you – an aura.
Serenita
You see auras? (heightened interest)
Claude
I sense a halo – like your name – of serenity. It’s very attractive – when I look at you – I feel calm. Maybe it’s just your name. It could also be your long hair and your legs and your lips.
Serenita
You’re very suggestible (bows her head in genuine humility).
Claude
You’re very suggestive.
Serenita
Really? What do I suggest to you?
Claude
Again, words fail – but you confuse me . . .
Serenita
Confusion? Between what and what?
Claude
The ethereal and the horny.
Serenita (innocently)
Claude, I don’t mean to confuse you.
Claude
I’m not confused. But I was wondering about something.
Serenita
What was that, Claude?
Claude
Why I can only see you . . . here. Has a nice feeling of purity alright, but I ain’t sure if I’m supposed to be bowing all the time before the goddess – (points to a portrait of the Goddess, Kali, sitting on a heap of skulls).
Serenita (laughing)
Oh, don’t mind Kali just because she collects human skulls.
Claude
What I mean is that this place feels like a shrine – it comes between us.
Serenita
Relax, Claude – Spirit welcomes you with open arms. Know what I mean?
Claude
No, not really.
Serenita
But you do, Claude. You must.
Claude
What I was trying to say, Serenita . . .
Serenita
Ask me anything . . .(laughs lightly again) and don’t forget -- there’s something I want to tell you.
Claude
Oh, yes – something unusual, you said.
Serenita
Yes, Claude – very unusual.
Claude
So unusual you hesitate to tell me – but you want to – right?
Serenita
I do hesitate – and I do want to tell you – it’s all about timing.
Claude
Timing?
Serenita
Did I use the word timing? (pensive pause).
Claude (fixing on the tantalizing figure of Serenita)
Serenita -- whatever happened left you with . . . I don’t know (looks intently at her) – a belief, a mission – is that the right word?
Serenita (silent pause)
You do understand, Claude – don’t you? (searching look).
Claude
Actually, no . . . (pause) but I want to learn – I really do! But not here! Let’s step outside . . . take a walk, go for a drink, go somewhere – anywhere, but . . .you know – outa here!
Serenita
Does the incense bother you?
Claude
No, Serenita – I love the incense.
Serenita
Then be still and know thy god – ever hear that one?
Claude
I don’t feel like being still, Serenita. I feel like moving . . .
Serenita (pause, sympathetic)
Claude, I just don’t know – I’m waiting.
Claude
You’re waiting? Waiting for what?
Serenita
You might as well know this about me – I’m telling you because of what I said before. About you being a certain type . . . and me wanting to share my secret with you . . .
Claude
I can’t tell you how I feel when I hear you say that. I want to hear more – but outside!
Serenita
Listen to me, Claude – inside, outside – what’s the difference?
Claude
You don’t ever want to go outside?
Serenita
Listen to me, Claude. I don’t just do things the way other people do things. I’m not bragging -- it’s just a fact!
Claude
Why call it bragging? It’s just a fact that you’re amazing!
Serenita (very softly) Claude, I’m guided. (Waits a little) Spirit speaks to me. That’s a fact.
Claude (musing)
That’s (shrugging) cool. You’re guided? Everything is planned for you?
Serenita
I’m guided – if it’s important – guidance comes. (pause, shakes her head) Sometimes it comes by not coming. But with you – I expect guidance. I’m not making a move without guidance.
Claude
You’re talking about Spirit?
Serenita
Who else? And you know why, you devil Claude!
Claude
What do you mean?
Serenita
You’re not just any kind of a guy! Spirit has to weigh in.
Claude (flabbergasted)
And so?
Serenita
Wait and see . . . wait and see.
Claude (springs up and starts to pace around)
So! Now I get it! You’re waiting for Spirit to say it’s okay.
Serenita
I can’t tell you what will happen. Spirit likes to surprise us.
Claude
Will you tell me one thing? What’s it like when Spirit speaks?
Serenita
That’s a big question, Claude.
Claude
I’d love to know.
Serenita
Claude, I have many guides, all part of a system I call Spirit. It’s not that easy to step out for a cup of coffee (laughing). Oh, Claude – is this hard for you? It’s not really (softly and very tranquil, polite, firmer, more distant). You see, I’m still learning the system myself –
Claude
What system (note of impatience)?
Serenita
Alright, I’m re . . .(Claude lunges at Serenita with the intention of embracing her, but she brushes him off imperiously) Will you listen to me, Claude (smiling but waving her finger at him.) How can I explain Spirit with you mauling me?
Claude
The coffee shop is just around the corner!
Serenita
You keep forgetting! I’m different.
Claude
You are different and I’m drawn to you -- but not to Spirit!
Serenita
If you only knew . . . the joy! . . . the clarity!
Claude
Sounds wonderful, but could you ask Spirit if we can go out?
Serenita
I could, Claude. I could try. But I have many guides. They have different names and special jobs . . . the system is complicated . . . but I can ask –
Claude (anxiously)
It’s hard to get in touch with Spirit?
Serenita
There are many layers to the system, nests inside nests, . . .
Claude (desperation rising)
You gotta know a few short-cuts!
Serenita
I have three main guides, Echo, Fabian, and Pontifex. Echo is my relationship guide. Fabian is there for the next move, like switching jobs, traveling, astral or otherwise. And Pontifex handles surprises, the unexpected, the dangerous. There are many more, most of them nameless (lowers her eyelids). Having them all is very comforting.
Claude
I can see how (rolling his eyes).
Serenita
You can?
Claude
You have guidance for everything – right?
Serenita
You can see tha?!
Claude
Then get some so we can walk out of here! What good is it if you’re stuck here all day?
Serenita
Oh, Claude, I wish I could go out – but Spirit is holding me back.
Claude
I wish I could understand what makes Spirit tick!
Serenita (flippantly)
How could you?
Claude
Ever make up your mind -- and just do something?
Serenita
All the time, Claude -- but not with big things like steppping out with you.
Claude (softly)
Think of it as a small thing then.
Serenita
Oh, Claude!
Claude
Oh Serenita! Off your high horse and escape to the real world with me!
An eager knock on the door.
Serenita
Claude! What time does your little watch say?
Claude
Five o’clock –
Serenita
I have an appointment -- a soul seeking the light.
Claude
Who is the turkey?
Serenita
A client – someone who leans on me.
Claude
What about me? I want to lean on you too!
Serenita
Not tonight, Claude, not tonight – .
Claude
Why not tonight?
Serenita (warmly and confidently)
I know you know the answer, Claude.
Claude
Well, what is it? (sharply)
Serenita
Spirit told me!
Claude
You know what I have to say to Spirit?
Serenita
What?
Claude
Fuck ‘im!
Lights out suddenly. Then on after a few seconds for the ninth and last scene.
Scene 9
The Borderline
Claude and Mara are blissfully wrapped in each other’s arms on a divan draped with exotic scarves and pillows, Mara resting her head in a posture of pathetic surrender and dramatic joy on Claude’s chest. Claude, leaning back, is gazing upward with a gaze of near astonishment but not without nervous, flickering movements in his eyes.
Mara
I feel like I’ve been on a long line – going through a turnstile – behind me I can see them (very passionately) . . . as far as the eye can see, Claude.
Claude
Who? Who can you see, Mara?
Mara
The people, Claude – all the people who want love, who need love – over and over they go, they try, they hope – . . . most of them don’t make it . . . and then they have to start all over again.
Claude
That’s a sad vision, Mara – is that what you really see?
Mara
Of course I do – I was there – look! Claude! Look! (she points far in the distance)
Claude (follows her finger with his eyes)
What? I don’t see anything!
Mara
It’s me! There I am! I’m on the line! See? Way at the end?
Claude
Ah, I do (smiles) . . . now I see (turns toward Mara).
Mara
It’s me on line, looking for love. See how I look?
Claude
No, how do you look?
Mara
How do you look when your looking for love? Sad, hungry . . .
Claude
Yes, Mara, now I see, now I see.
Mara (turns toward Claude suddenly, dramatically throws herself in his arms)
But then we found each other. And the ache was over. And no more tears.
Claude
Yes, it did happen very suddenly (smiling and fondling her). Here we are! I’m in a daze. It feels like I’ve known you all my life.
Mara
Before your life (Mara looks up sharply).
Claude (hesitant)
Well . . .
Mara
Before we were born.
Claude
Do you really believe that?
Mara
You doubt me?
Claude
No, Mara, I don’t doubt you – but before we were born?
Mara
Kismet, it’s called kismet.
Claude
Was that a Broadway musical?
Mara (pause, and gets up suddenly)
Are you making fun of kismet?
Claude
I don’t know what kismet is.
Mara
Look in the dictionary.
Claude
Now?
Mara
‘Fate’ is what it means – you don’t believe in fate? – I mean, you might die this afternoon – that would be kismet (laughs weirdly).
Claude (stands up and walks around, as though pondering whether to say something)
You know, Mara, funny you should mention dying . . .
Mara
Funny?
Claude
I keep noticing something. Death always pops up when you talk! (grins)
Mara (stunned)
Me? Talk about death?
Claude
All the time.
Mara (shrug)
Well?
Claude
Doesn’t matter, Mara -- it’s the little things that are wonderful.
Mara
What do you mean?
Claude
Like maybe shopping together.
Mara
You want to go shopping?
Claude
Actually, I need to buy a pair of jeans and maybe a shirt – help me shop – it’ll be romantic.
Mara
Claude?
Claude
Yes Mara.
Mara
You really don’t believe in kismet?
Claude
I didn’t say that I . . .
Mara (smiles and breaks in)
Ready for one of my salads? The olives have been flown here from Istanbul.
Claude
Yes!
Mara
And the wine that I picked for this evening? Wine that I put a love-spell on?
Claude
Yes!
Mara
And the French bread I baked for you?
Claude
Yes I am!
Mara
You are?
Claude
For sure! Mara! Mara! Look at me! Is this a dream?
Mara
All this is kismet, Claude – and it’s perfect!
Lights down, a little longer this time, then up.
Claude is sleeping half-dressed on the divan. (Pause.) A knock on the door. Claude doesn’t move. Two more definitive knocks. Then a key turns. Mara enters, her arms laden with several large bags and boxes.
Claude (waking up)
What am I looking at? Did you morph into Santa Claus? Is it Christmas? I thought it was May!
Mara (serious, almost officious, begins to unpack the boxes, which contain six pair of trousers, from tan to white; six shirts; ties; underwear, two classy belts, and various fancy-looking underwear. Claude is dumbfounded but Mara is muttering under her breath.)
Claude (watching with amazement)
What on earth did you do?
Mara
You said you needed some clothes.
Claude (smiling)
I asked you to help me shop.
Mara
Your time is too important. Go head, try them on. I’ll return them if they don’t fit.
Claude
But I don’t understand.
Mara
What?
Claude
It’s like swatting a fly with an A-Bomb.
Mara
You don’t like my A-Bomb?
Claude (embracing Mara)
I love your A-Bomb. It’s beautiful. But it’s costly. All that Belk stuff must add up to five hundreds bucks! (looks at her) Your ex pays, right? I feel bad about that.
Mara
Bad? Not bad? You need a new word for me. It’s all or nothing. Five hundred dollars? A thousand dollars? So what?
Claude
He doesn’t mind? Your ex?
Mara
He’s not my friend anymore, Claude. To tell the truth, I have no feeling for him. He was always judging me. I won’t judge him; I just don’t care. He’s extinct. So what’s the problem?
Claude (grinning lustily)
You’re so nasty! But it turns me on –
Mara
I approve. But now you understand?
Claude
Understand?
Mara
How it works with me. Love. You love me? Do you know what that means?
Claude
I’m not sure.
Mara
I’ll tell you then.
Claude
Mara, my beautiful, my adorable – come here! (she backs away)
Mara
If you love me you have to love – what?
Claude
What the hell are you smirking at?
Mara
Death, Claude! (bursts into laughter)
Lights down, voice of Angelo in the dark
Well, you all know how Everyman
Must play a game of chess with Death.
So too our seeker of love’s holy grail
Will love and fail with a borderline,
Known for their suicidal ideation
And feats of promiscuous elation.
Up down, on off, yes no, love hate,
Split in all things, a hopeless state:
A perfect deathtrap for gullible Claude --
Let’s watch him now really get clawed.
Lights up
Mara (in a majestic pose of vanity and power standing over Claude with a knife in her hand. He is lying on the divan, looking up at the histrionic Mara with religious awe)
You doubted me!
Claude
Mara, put that knife down!
Mara
I thought I explained to you. It’s all or nothing. Either the sun’s up or it’s black night! There is no twilight with me!
Claude
The knife! (Mara backs off and holds the knife up before her eyes) Better. Now drop it (snatches from her).
Mara
How could you doubt me?
Claude
I didn’t doubt you!
Mara
It was perfect.
Claude
It is perfect.
Mara
So I invited a man I met on the Internet to visit me when Barnaby was away on business.
Claude
I wondered out loud why you did it – and why you told me..
Mara
What is there to wonder? You betrayed me with . . . suspicion.
Claude
Mara? Are you kidding? Tell me you’re kidding.
Mara
I never kid or play games. Now you have made me feel sick. But I won’t let you annihlate me.
Claude
Annihilate you! Are you crazy?
Mara
Now you’re calling me crazy? (Tears away into a corner, picks up Claude’s belongings, his jacket, etc) Is this your stuff? Take it and get out! You hear me? There’s the door! (starts to push him)
Claude
Take it easy! I’m leaving. You can sure turn on a dime! I was your god yesterday. Today you’re kicking me out.
Mara
That’s right, out Judas! (Kicks him several times.)
Lights out then slowly back on.
Claude and Mara centerstage, arms around each other in a warm embrace. Pause.
Mara
I’m so glad to be in your arms.
Claude
Why?
Mara
It was agony being apart.
Claude
What about when you kicked me out ?
Mara
It felt good. But that was then.
Claude
Mara?
Mara
Yes, Claude.
Claude
You’re an interesting lady.
Mara
Really?
Claude
Yes, really. I even talk about you to my friends.
Mara
Nice talk, I hope.
Claude
Very nice talk. And helpful. Especially from a doctor friend.
Mara
A doctor? You need a doctor?
Claude (pause)
No Mara, you need a doctor.
Mara
What! (breaks from the embrace) You’re crazy! You’re completely crazy!
(Voice of Angelo)
Claude, oh Claude – it’s time again!
Get set to make your sounds of “ouch”--
Time to stick your Stoic chin far out—
Mara is again about to boot you out.
Something good should come from this.
Just don’t ask me what it is.
Claude
Thanks, Angelo, nice to know you’re there -- (waves)
Pointless, useless, helpless -- as usual.
Mara
Ha! And I’m crazy? Who you talking to, Claude?
Claude
Myself (gloomily, pausing). You know what my doctor friend said about you?
Mara
Should I care about a jerk I never met? (angrily)
Claude
He said you’d get mad! Just tell her she needs help!
Mara
I’d be crazy if I didn’t get mad.
Claude
Remember the time you drove against the traffic -- you blamed all the drivers! They were going the wrong way!
Mara
The signs were confusing – never happened to you?
Claude
My friend says you will drive me crazy.
Mara
That reminds me -- I have something for you (takes from a small pocket of her blouse a key).
Claude
More gifts? (peering)
Mara
Take it back! (throws the key at him) The key to your apartment. I don’t expect to use it – ever again. It means nothing to me.
Claude (hurt)
Nothing? Nothing at all?
Mara
Claude! Don’t you get it? It’s a dead, dead thing!
Lights down. Pause. Lights gradually turned up.
Epilogue
Claude and Angelo sitting on stools facing each other, disconsolate but calm.
Angelo
Well, Claude, that last one was really hot stuff!
A taste of bliss, the rest all rough.
Had you coming and going, broke your spine.
Took you to the peaks and the pits,
A roller-coaster! Crap game! Borderline!
Claude
You’re no good to me, buddy, no help at all
All you do is rub it in and spread the gall.
You’re a postmodern angel, a pastiche,
Don’t take it to heart! You’re a helluva geek!
Angelo
Sorry, pal, it’s the weird times we face --
Damn birthpangs of the post-human race!
I wish I could help you deal with women
But relationships are rotten, full of spleen.
Forced to blunder along with makeshift selves
We take in the show of life, scene by scene.
(turns to audience)
You watched this foolish Everyguy
Stumble to and fro in his quest
For Love’s Island of the Blest:
(We could have told the tale
From the angle of a girl)
Nine scenes presenting
Instructions on how to fail
Is all that Claude has to offer us --
Lesson one of the human syllabus,
And why not –thank you! – toss in this:
A chance to celebrate rejection
And slap the sour face of dejection.